Sunday, October 31, 2010

NANOWRIMO EVE!

AHHHH! it's halloween! the day before nanowrimo commences and i'm SO EXCITED!

i think i had qualms about today, simply because i can't recall what i did on halloween before there was college. halloween was always spent with ruggers, partying and being belligerent, dressing up and flaming octopi and now... well, now i've found myself in a family neighborhood, where the latest anyone is ever out is about 9 and that's only because s/he is out for a night stroll before bed.

so, what does one do in this type of neighborhood? does one dress up? does one imbibe or pull pranks or let oneself devolve into the stereotypical frat boy or sorority slut?

the answer: no. dressing up is great, but it's kept PG. however, i have decided that instead, i will not be dressing up. my parents no longer wish to pass out candy to every child who rings the doorbell and will be going out to relax at a spa or sauna or something asian. i, on the other hand, will be home to pass out treats to the little ones.

i am excited, however, for midnight. until then, i'm going to be preparing my room for nanowrimo shutdown and spending most of the night watching random things on youtube while i pass out candy to children. and possibly some older kids who have rightfully decided that they are not too old to go door to door and are indulging in their youth. which i, if i had any friends, would probably also do. i think the idea of being "too old" to trick or treat is silly. i mean, come on. trick or treating itself is a silly thing and has very little resemblance of what the true meaning of halloween used to be. thus, it should just be an excuse for everyone to have fun, and there should never be an age limit on having fun.

actually, that just reminds me that i was scolded just yesterday for sending out an email asking 2 kids to reply. one of them is being a wench and just refusing to respond, and unfortunately my exasperation with her has leaked into feeling annoyed with the other one. the other one responded a while back (i.e. a month ago) but since then, hasn't so i got frustrated with her too. this is a note to myself if i ever read this: never ever EVER let your kindness be taken advantage of by people you don't know. i know i fall into this very often, and usually i don't see it coming cause it's just natural to want to help, but i should've seen the wench a mile away and shouldn't have let myself give her the benefit of the doubt. especially when there is basically no doubt that she is a horrid excuse for a person. ah well, i still wish her a happy life as long as it doesn't affect mine anymore and if years of going to church and thinking about God and His teachings has taught me anything, it's that i should always work hard to forgive others for their faults. he who has never sinned shall cast the first stone, right?

still, i'm working on it. she's the second person in my life that i have ever truly, passionately hated. i've forgiven the first person, i think. i mean, enough to be cordial if i ever met him. or at least to easily reign in my impulse to punch him in his face. the witch, on the other hand... every time i even think of her, i have this sudden image of pushing her down some stairs. and an extremely intense feeling of schadenfreude when i remember that she has gained what seems like 30 pounds in a year's time. it's just too bad that she delights in her buxom appearance and revels in it by wearing close to nothing at times. but being the eternal whore that she is, and her god awful voice whining about how much frat guys don't want to sleep with her because she's fat (a sentiment that seems to dawn on her whenever she is flat out wasted... which was roughly 3-4 days a week), and her course language, which seems to stem from her parents who spoil her... well, given a lot of things i hate about her, it's going to be some time before i ever really take more than a few steps in trying to extinguish the flames that have engulfed the bridge between us.

why was i writing about that again?
oh! right. because the one who i was growing frustrated with (not the evil witch of slutsville) sent me a response email scolding me for being childish and immature, and informing me that she expected a graduated student to act her age. which, though i understand it was intended to make me feel ashamed, made me laugh at the thought. clearly, a girl who has no idea who i am and who, herself, acts like a silly incapable child (as evidence by the fact that the reason for the email is that she has yet to pay her portion of the electric bill- a bill that was due roughly 5 months ago and one that i covered for her until she would be able to contact her parents to ask for money... seriously. 5 months ago. and i was the one to remind her for the last 2 months that she still needed to pay for it. if that's acting like an adult, i think someone is confused), is accusing me for not acting my age! HAH! that is simply nonsensical! i'm 22 years old, living with my parents and employed part time tutoring kids until i leave to join the peace corps for a 2 year commitment in south america. i am well aware that in many aspects, i have not grown up. but then again, i doubt i will ever really "mature" into an "adult." if i were a butterfly, i'm pretty sure i'd forever be stuck in the caterpillar stage. i don't want to grow up! who wants to do that? it's gross. growing up just means worry lines and gray hair. noooo thank you. i will forever be 12 at heart, and since we have yet to figure out the whole physically aging bit, i'll do everything i can to make sure my wrinkles come from laughing and before my head turns grey, i want it dyed in every shade of the rainbow. also, she can BITE ME.

youth is in someone's attitude, in someone's heart and smile. if growing old means not being able to take a joke and getting upset at every little thing that might cause embarrassment, then i'm glad she's already aged so much. but me? not going to happen. i will be a kid for as long as i possibly can, and when i can't... well, by then i hope to be on my deathbed.

so hurrah to halloween! hurrah to novel writing! and hurrah to new experiences! failure is imminent but i still can't wait.

note: i realize most of my writing in this is ranting, but it feels so freakin cathartic, i doubt i will ever be able to stop. my new drug has becoming blogging and it feels faaaaantastic.

Monday, October 25, 2010

famous people are scary

honestly. people who are well known/famous freak me out. it's really weird, like just the fact that i have never met someone and yet know them is enough to set me into fight or flight mode. i actually resent people for being famous and roaming the world like real people. there should be a place for them. think "zoo" but nicer, but still contained. how do i react around them!? is there some sort of protocol? because i am clearly unaware of what it is.

if it's someone that i actually really adore, everything is telling me "GO THROW YOURSELF AT THEM" but since that's not normal behavior for how people are supposed to interact with strangers (i.e. people i have never actually met or talked to in real life), i don't. but are they really strangers?!? gah! they don't fit into the happy little boxes i have stacked away in my social skills area.

i feel as though some people may actually hold on to that idea that it's not their fault they're so famous and still have to go to the store to buy groceries. because that's a lie. it IS their fault. why would anyone become an actor/actress if they didn't feel the need to be known? and what's this bs with actors/actresses who don't like being bothered when they're out and about by fans? they would be unemployed without those people. if i were famous, i'd be ridiculously grateful that anyone would be willing to acknowledge me for my role in BLAH because DEAR ACTORS AND ACTRESSES. YOU ARE BEING PAID TO PLAY MAKE BELIEVE. i don't consider that a real skill. i think everyone has played make believe at some point in his/her life but these people? they're getting paid major cash to do it AND the rest of us adore them for it. so seriously, you have to stop and chat with a person who gushes about how she loved you in BLAH and how wonderfully you portrayed the character of BLAH and would you mind being in a picture or signing a sheet of paper? no. you do not mind. you are an item for the masses. you are a creation of the public. bow down to your masters and sign the stupid sheet of paper! oh, you're in the middle of a meal at a restaurant with your family and you don't want to be disturbed? then pick a night that isn't crowded, or ask for a private room or deal with your public before the meal. i don't know, but deal with it and don't get all "oh my god, i just want to be normal and have dinner with my family out here in this public restaurant, why can't anyone just respect that?" you know what? most people probably will. most people will probably try to get a glimpse of you without staring intensely and whisper to their friends "oh my god, BLAH just walked in! do you see her!?" and the craziest, most intense of fans who can't contain his exploding joy of being in such close proximity with you might just stand up, apologize for disturbing your meal and gush "ohmygoshijustwantyoutoknowthatiloveyou" before walking excitedly away. DEAL WITH IT.

this rant has nothing to do with any experience i have ever had. anyone i have seen who is famous will never know that i exist and honestly, i don't even like the actor. i like the character they play. or i may love the actor, if i am obsessed enough about them, but i have yet to meet anyone who i am in love with... predominately because they're all in england.

so that rant is just something that's always bugged me because i really do believe that people whose lively hoods depend solely on whether or not the public masses like them should be grateful to those same people. like musicians, athletes, actors/actresses, government officials, etc. but i read these reports where these people actually abuse the public for bothering them or something. it's ridiculous and fame is one thing but when it gets to someone's head, i can't help but think how much better off the world would be with one less person in it.

also, famous people still scare me. i tried to take a picture once of someone rather famous at the airport. i freaked out instead because i was pretty much taking a picture of a stranger and i was really worried about that so i didn't.

still, if an actor i was absolutely head over heels in love with happened to walk across my path, i would probably squeal at a pitch so high, very young children and various species of animals would cower in pain. also, my head would explode and glitter/kittens/fireworks would erupt out of it. i would really hope this would grab the attention of my adoration, or all of that would have been in vain.

that's a joke. i do not periodically stuff my head with glitter/kittens/fireworks. although i am planning a trip to england at some point... maybe i should be prepared...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

braindrizzling continues

things that are sad: an empty house (loneliness), revenge (the best revenge is living well), being too drunk to be afraid, real life monsters, needing a better word than "sorry", phrases meant to excuse your for lack of tact (e.g. "not to offend you or anything..." or "i'm just being honest"), feeling shame, the ugly duckling never realizing he's actually a swan (or realizing he is a swan but finding it didn't help solve any of his problems), not having a role model, unrequited love (it's a waste of time), last words at a funeral (e.g. confessions), a toy never played with, getting to a destination only to find you're not welcome, having regrets, playing an extra in the movie that is your life,

things that are happy: candy for breakfast, hugs, stickers, heart stolen and never even noticed, not being alone, realizing legal/illegal doesn't mean right/wrong,

concepts: thief, loner, sociopath (functioning), when violence is the answer, a criminal who isn't a criminal yet,

brainstorm

watching doctor who, thinking about enders game and thinking about writing something that has to do with space. and war.
note to myself: ashes and snow, aliens and fear, organizations and conspiracies, wars

loking at the books that i tend to read over and over again, most of them have to do with scifi or fantasy, include brawls/romance, and have strong, unlikely heroes (e.g. female knights, adolescent nerds, maladjusted children, generally "weak"). so i'd probably write a book pertaining to a lot of those.

reading back to some of my old things, i find that i am also very graphic in regards to many of my details. don't know if that's a good thing or not, but i guess we'll see!

also, i have done something to irritate the inner, upper left part of my gums. they're very sensitive and i'm trying to eat carrots, which is now proving painful. but it's carrots with hummus, so i'm going to keep eating...

anyway, back to the storm.

mystery? most books i have also exude feelings of mystery and the unknown, but i don't think i'm clever enough to think that far ahead, seeing as how i'm having trouble even starting. i might be able to incorporate something like it once i get my bearings and just start the damn process.

i have a feeling it's going to take me a day or two to get the first sentence typed. but once i get over that first hurdle, i feel like i could really get some momentum going! good thing i'm nice and unemployed this november. it's gonna free up so much time for writing! might even pass the 50,000 word mark but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

adventure stories. i'm thinking more 'lord of the rings' in the sense that there is a task that needs completing and my story can be about that journey.

or this could just be completely about something i've dreamed about having in real life but, of course, could never have because this world does not work the way i want it to.
note: gang. assassin.

you know what's kind of weird? how much assassin looks like "asian." one could also say there's a lot of ass in assassin, which doesn't have anything to do with asian so really, i'm just going off topic here.

maybe i'll write one of those "point of view" stories. you know? the ones where it's written in the point of view of someone who's really unlikely. like, what if i wrote a story in the point of view of a civilian living in a town with superheroes and supervillans? i don't think there'd be a lot to write about, but it would definitely be interesting. stevie mentioned the concept of having like a whole bunch of short stories so i wonder if i could try something like that too...

i have no idea. still in the thinking stage! once this brainstorm is filtered down into a braindrizzle and then a light brainfog, mayhaps i will be able to figure out what the heck i wanna write about.

also, my mouth hurts. damn you, delicious hummus and carrots. damn you.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

plot thoughts

so i realized that when i tutor my kids about the SAT essay, i'm always saying "write about what you know and don't be vague about it." it's sort of my SAT essay mantra. but i just realized that i should really be following my own advice for nanowrimo. so what if it's not going to be good? so what if it's so awful, i may print it out just so i can burn it and video tape it to watch again later? i should write about what i know and i should write about it in extreme detail.

what do i know?
i know me.

yea, yea, it's a bit pretentious and narcissistic but what else do i know as well as i know me? but the thing is, even if i know me, i only know me when faced with certain situations. i have no idea how to put myself down on paper, so what i'm going to do is the next best thing. i'm going to lie through my teeth, about everything! i'll just take who i am, situations that i have been in and exaggerate all of it! i absolutely love lying. i don't do it often, because i find that when people believe me, it just makes my real life seem so trite and vapid in comparison... and i'm the one who gets vexed by it!

but on paper, who the hell cares? the main character is not going to be me. i mean, it's going to be me but as someone else who also has a lot of attributes that i wish i had. i'm going to use my friends, my adversaries, my loved ones and the ones who i dream about pushing down flights of stairs. of course, their real names will not be used, just in case (i doubt i'll ever let anyone read this, but i'd feel terrible for using the names of people i know... i don't really know why, i just know i will) and all the situations that have actually occurred will only serve as preliminary musings... the barebones ideas that i will use for the structure of my stories, but so embellished and stretched and skewed that perhaps no one else will know where it comes from.

that is the hope, of course. but i'm terrible at lying when i want someone to know the truth so i'll have to work on that. alas, i have a month to do it!

so the basic outline of the story will probably be about a girl. a girl who wants to prove herself but can't. a girl that people have this image of, but she knows she's different on the inside and can't admit it to some, can only really show it to a very few. a girl who lives in fear that those who know one side of her will meet those who know the other and the result will be disastrous. the idea of dark vs. light, good vs. evil, right vs. wrong and all the gray in between. the idea of transitions and what happens when dark becomes light, good becomes evil and right becomes wrong, what happens when those moments in her switch too quickly and she can't help herself, looses herself to it, gets lost in the gray and doesn't know who to turn to, can only trust herself.

and what happens when she finds someone who might be someone she can turn to. someone who is so different from all those around her. someone she might be able to trust, but can't help feeling too afraid to do it and building up even more walls faster than that person can break it down. and what happens when that person stops breaking them down, gets lost and tired, but she keeps building them because she doesn't realize it and when she finally does, she has more walls up than ever before, is caught in herself and unable to see everyone else because of all those damn walls.

what happens then? what happens when she's put into positions she has no idea how to confront? does she confront them? does she run? can she run?

i'm sure a lot of the stuff in between will also hold a lot of things that happened in the past to me, but won't end the way they did. nope, they'll be happy stories for me. they'll end the way i wished they would after it all happened. it'll be cathartic! and all those wonderful happy things that happened, those will immortalized on paper for me to read and recall and smile. i don't know if there were many of them, and perhaps more will appear in my thoughts to help outweigh my unhappy thoughts.

but i still think this novel will be my catharsis and maybe it'll help me free myself from those nagging, lingering feelings. that'll be nice.

Friday, October 22, 2010

NaNoWriMo 2010

so this is my first year attempting the nanowrimo and quite frankly, i'm elated! so, i will be blogging about my attempts through the month of november and from now until then, i'm gonna be doing the best i can to outline some sort of storyline for this, which is probably the scary part.

i have no idea if i will succeed; i've never actually written a story longer than 3 pages and attempting a 175 page novel is really gonna push my abilities. so here's to quantity and not quality!

novel ideas:
a bad guy who's actually a good guy but stuck in a bad guy role (e.g. dr. horrible)
a bad guy who does bad things in the name of good (e.g. dexter)
a good/bad guy who's actually a bad/good guy

things that make novels good:
protagonist (weak but strong), antagonist, mystery, romance, action/suspense/the unknown, protagonist's entourage, aaannndddd dunno. this was based on harry potter...hahha... oh dear.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

nothing

if an atom is a collection of protons and neutrons surrounded by a cloud of electrons, and these electrons orbit the nucelus, leaving gaping spaces of nothingness in between these particles, and i am composed of gajillions of atoms, then am i also composed of more than a gajllion gaps of nothingness? wouldn't that make me, predominately, nothing?


and what is nothing? if that nothingness actually exists, is it a thing? would that be a paradox? nothing existing as a thing? if nothing is the absence of thing (that is, no thing), then there is literally nothing between these electrons and nucleus, right? what is smaller than an electron? is there anything smaller than an electron? if there is nothing that exists between the spaces between electrons, then how can that even be fathomed?

i seriously can't wrap my head around the idea of nothingness. how can there just be... nothing? it's just a space. literally a space with nothing in it. how can i be composed of so much nothing? i heard that if you took all the atoms of mankind and squished it all together, it would come to about the size of a sugar cube. how insane is that?! if that's true, then we are predominately nothing, but if that's true, then wtf? how can there so much of me and yet, so little?

freakin blows my mind.

Friday, October 15, 2010

dream, easy interp: i'm freaking out.

had a dream last night, saw a bunch of people i knew from college. we were all floating on those inflated circle tube things and i think we were at some sort of amusement park. everyone was chatting and having fun, and suddenly the waves got really murky/sandy and i notice that the flow has increased and the waves have increased in both size and frequency.

i'm starting to flail around because i'm separating from the group, and as i'm trying but failing to swim closer to the others, everyone else just starts to notice the change in water, when suddenly BOOM! a giant wave and the water level sinks, no, crashes and drains away, like flushing a toilet. suddenly the land is dry, everyone is in disarray and there's a difference in the landscape. rather than the flat sand with the shallow water, there's a deep chasm and everyone i know is in the hole below and i'm stuck on the top ledge.

i'm frightened by the difference and being so away from everyone else, being separated from the group, and so i scramble down but the way down is littered with people climbing to get where i was and even though i'm trying to get down carefully, calling ahead and asking people to move out of the way, as i'm climbing down, two hands grab my legs and i freak- i'm going to fall. so i start shouting at them to let go! let go! let go! and now i'm being pulled down. when just as suddenly

i'm free. the hands let go, and i can feel support under me as some people gently help me down. they tell me two kids were grabbing me and as i look out, i can see them scampering away into the crowd again.

the support came from the parents of some people who i didn't see there, but know. as they're walking down with me, they're asking me all these questions about what i'm doing, where i'm going, if i have plans for my future, how my family is doing, etc.

and these questions frighten me more than the fall.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

this is a rant. you have been warned.

you know what annoys me?
texting.

now, i'm not saying that i don't enjoy texting. in fact, i find it very easy and convenient when i'm asking a question that doesn't really have a definite "need to know" by time. it's like dropping off a note to someone and knowing that they'll get it.

what i find annoying is when people don't text back. if it's a text with something really silly, or someone is obviously bored and just wants to drop a note to say hi, that's one thing. but when it's a question i'm asking and it's clearly not rhetorical (e.g. are you free for lunch tomorrow? is not a rhetorical question) then i expect a response. no response indicates that you are ignoring me. in which case, please be aware that i hate you. sometimes it's just a little "i hate you" and sometimes it's a big fat mother f'n "i hope you die a horrible death" kind of hate. really though, only one person i know has received the latter form (if she doesn't know it, then i hope karma runs over her fat foot and spits in her hair to let her know i say hello). maybe i'm just expressing a need to be noticed, my hatred of being ignored. then again, it could be my deep abhorrence for rudeness and crass, impolite people.

another thing i find annoying is when people don't text or call if they're about to cancel a meeting. it's just kind of dumb. it sucks when people i actually like do this to me because it makes me want to slap them or never hang out with them. ever. and then asking me at 6:55 if i got the email they sent 30 minutes ago about not being able to meet me at 7. i like the internet, but i'm not plugged into my email account 24/7. maybe emailing me when i'm already out the door, excited to meet up, is not the smartest way to do this. it's dumb. and makes me mad at you. and add another check to your list of "stupid things" which is a running tab i have on everyone i know.

but you know what? this really wouldn't be a big deal if i just didn't have friends. maybe it's having watched a dexter marathon, but i'm starting to like the idea of being a loner. i like people, mind. i love being around them and meeting up, having some good ol' social fun but sometimes, the bad parts of being a social character really start to outweigh the good parts of it. i know i hold a high standard for people, but they're all standards that are fairly simple to meet. maybe the problem is that i hold standards for them but they don't hold them for themselves. so what if you ditch one meet up with a friend because you're kinda in the mood to watch tv or chill at home alone? i mean, besides the fact that you're falling lower and lower on my scale of people i deem "good humans," nothing.

but then again, maybe you should have let them know at the start of the day. not 30 minutes before you planned to meet. a meeting that we planned a week in advance.

if i didn't feel a horrible sense of guilt at cursing, i would probably inject one here.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

brief rant. in a series of haiku.

the concept behind
a significant other
makes no sense to me.

so many people
are searching for someone else,
never satisfied.

i do not want one.
no relationships for me
because i'm happy.

or maybe that's just
something i say to myself
to justify it.

but please don't tell me
that i should find a good man
cause i never will.

i live in a world
where nothing is good for me,
nothing satisfies.

i live in a world
where i am good for nothing,
i can only try.

this rant is emo
but i don't really mind it.
refrigerator.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

October 9th, 2010. Captain's log.

so i was browsing around fb, checking out random things that popped up on my wall and i realized something that's been bugging me.

i have no interests.

sure, there are a lot of "info" tidbits i've typed up in that convenient little box dedicated to the bits and pieces that're supposed to give you an idea of who i am, but those interests? they're just random things i dump in there to remind myself i like them. a few people i like, my favorite animal, things i like looking at when i'm at the park... really random things. but that's just it, they're just random things i don't obsess over, just things i find interesting to a degree. what i want, though, is to find an obsession.

my 4 years of college, that obsession was almost rugby. it started off mild my first year, i got really into it my second year, and by the time i was a junior, my feelings about it definitely lost their edge. it started to become "just something" i did and had been doing for so long, it never crossed my mind to stop. the same was tennis my 4 years in high school. all my interests start off tentative, go strong, and then die pretty quickly and i just can't seem to find that one thing that's been able to sustain my interest for long. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. a little sad, i guess, with a little chagrin and acceptance thrown in for flavor.

so why does this show up now? like i said, i was looking through fb and realized that a lot of people do have obsessions- things they do and have done since they were sentient, and will probably continue with no matter how crazy their lives become. and i don't have that.

yea, i'm jealous.

i'm a college graduate who's still trying to figure out this thing called life. it's like i wasted all 4 years with my head down, slamming it into every wall put in my way because i was so callow and obstinate, gritting my teeth, refusing to look up and adjust the strain on my neck because... because i couldn't? because i was too scared that if i did, i'd find another path and then where would i be? confused, stuck, unsure. i hate those feelings. i like knowing. i like plans. i like sticking to those things i assumed were presaged and set.

and i hate realizing that i was an idiot.

so here i am. confused, stuck, unsure and trying to figure out my entire life without actually committing to anything. you know, just in case it happens again. but i figure i'll start at square one. i'm looking to find an obsession, an addiction, a corner stone in my life where i can retreat to with total confidence.

i guess i'll start learning the harmonica.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

musings

i realize that i have some very strange fears. they're not crippling or irrational, per se, just strange and i'm not sure if others feel the same way that i do. an example? food trucks. but not the food borne illness i'm sure will crop up at some point since they have yet to be regulated and don't have the grading system of cleanliness that other, stationary food places have (although yes, it does weird me out). no, me? i'm worried about the walls.

a lot of times, food trucks have side panels that they prop up, thus providing an area to shelter the person who's ordering as well as opening up the side of the truck for said orders, displaying other items such as menus and drinks too. my fear is that when i'm standing under one, the prop will shift and the side panel will come down and smack me in the face. i will become a truck and sue sandwich of pain. no one else has this fear? every time i stand under the metal awning, i get really twitchy and i always stand semi facing away from the truck so that if it does happen, i'll have at least a second to try and protect my head, either with my shoulder taking the brunt of the force or my hands somehow stopping the death trap from snapping shut by doing some major kung fu master zen lightning trick in which my reflexes grab the frame before it falls.

i don't think this is neurotic. i think it's a rational fear. just think about it. you're standing with your back facing toward and under a fairly heavy door, propped open by a thing piece of metal. no? not rational? shut up. it is.

another fear i have, after having discussed a bit about superpowers with stevie, and having now seen episode 1 of haven, is superpower failure. this fear is definitely irrational, particularly because i do not have any superpowers. i just really wish i did. but if i did, i would hate one that would really suck if it suddenly stopped working at a really inconvenient time. i mean, you know how in all these stories, powers suddenly show up, right? like, the person usually hasn't had the power since s/he was a baby and thus, grows up with it while learning how to control it like how a child learns to speak or walk. no, the power happens suddenly when the person is under some sort of stress or something and suddenly BAM! what was that? oh SNAP, i have powers!

so if it can turn on so suddenly... what's to stop it from turning off suddenly too? maybe it's not genetic, maybe it had to do with the weirdness of the environment (e.g. radiation, star alignment, etc.) so when the weirdness ends, wouldn't the powers end too? or maybe it is genetic and it kicked in at puberty or something, when you're body's changing but hey, at some point your body stops doing things it did naturally before (e.g. menopause, hair loss, etc.) so again, what if your powers are affected too? see what i mean?

so what's the fear? well, let's say you have a power like invisibility. what would happen if while you're invisible, the on switch suddenly turns off and you're stuck like that FOREVER? maybe that's what happened to the invisible man. or if you could travel through walls, and BOOM switched off mid way. now you've lost your leg and thank god you were already mostly through the wall before it turned off. if your head had been caught in there... well, now your brain is part of the atoms of the wall. isn't that freaky!?

which is why if i had a superpower, i would want one in which, if they did suddenly turn off, it'd be ok. like flight. or the ability to control weather. if i got stuck while flying, it really wouldn't be a problem. i could mingle with crowds and pretend to walk (but actually be levitating... i'd just have to be careful where it was muddy cause i wouldn't leave tracks) or if i controlled the weather and let's say it got turned off while i was making it rain. too bad for the people who live in the area cause the place just turned into a swamp and another weird wonder of the world, but meh. we have technology, i just move away and the end. the only power i would want and still be willing to risk failure at an inopportune moment that would suck would be the ability to control time. only because if i got stuck in some really weird time period, there would obviously be a reason why i was there in the first place so i probably wouldn't mind. but let's say the power stopped while i was in the middle of trying to get to another time period and my atoms were scattered through all the time between the first point where i left and the point where i was headed, thus ending my sentient life and essentially turning me into a lot of scattered carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and so on. or my atoms remained in tact, but i got stuck in another time period that i didn't want to be. if the latter, i'd probably still survive and be ok with it. if the former... see, i want this power so much, i don't think i'd mind.

but honestly? i don't have powers. so why am i worrying about the hazards of superpowers that i will never have? since this is an "in my dreams" kind of wish, why can't i just also make it so that in my imaginary world, powers don't fail and are unnecessary to fight crime cause everyone's awesome. also, i rule over the world and delicious food like strawberry cheesecake or garlic bread smothered in butter isn't bad for you, but actually helps my body get strong and fit so that i can ride my horse with wings in the champion races to honor me and totally win due to the awesomeness of my horse and my skills and not just because i rule the world with an iron yet benevolent fist.

i don't know why. like i said. my fears are really strange.