what do i know?
i know me.
yea, yea, it's a bit pretentious and narcissistic but what else do i know as well as i know me? but the thing is, even if i know me, i only know me when faced with certain situations. i have no idea how to put myself down on paper, so what i'm going to do is the next best thing. i'm going to lie through my teeth, about everything! i'll just take who i am, situations that i have been in and exaggerate all of it! i absolutely love lying. i don't do it often, because i find that when people believe me, it just makes my real life seem so trite and vapid in comparison... and i'm the one who gets vexed by it!
but on paper, who the hell cares? the main character is not going to be me. i mean, it's going to be me but as someone else who also has a lot of attributes that i wish i had. i'm going to use my friends, my adversaries, my loved ones and the ones who i dream about pushing down flights of stairs. of course, their real names will not be used, just in case (i doubt i'll ever let anyone read this, but i'd feel terrible for using the names of people i know... i don't really know why, i just know i will) and all the situations that have actually occurred will only serve as preliminary musings... the barebones ideas that i will use for the structure of my stories, but so embellished and stretched and skewed that perhaps no one else will know where it comes from.
that is the hope, of course. but i'm terrible at lying when i want someone to know the truth so i'll have to work on that. alas, i have a month to do it!
so the basic outline of the story will probably be about a girl. a girl who wants to prove herself but can't. a girl that people have this image of, but she knows she's different on the inside and can't admit it to some, can only really show it to a very few. a girl who lives in fear that those who know one side of her will meet those who know the other and the result will be disastrous. the idea of dark vs. light, good vs. evil, right vs. wrong and all the gray in between. the idea of transitions and what happens when dark becomes light, good becomes evil and right becomes wrong, what happens when those moments in her switch too quickly and she can't help herself, looses herself to it, gets lost in the gray and doesn't know who to turn to, can only trust herself.
and what happens when she finds someone who might be someone she can turn to. someone who is so different from all those around her. someone she might be able to trust, but can't help feeling too afraid to do it and building up even more walls faster than that person can break it down. and what happens when that person stops breaking them down, gets lost and tired, but she keeps building them because she doesn't realize it and when she finally does, she has more walls up than ever before, is caught in herself and unable to see everyone else because of all those damn walls.
what happens then? what happens when she's put into positions she has no idea how to confront? does she confront them? does she run? can she run?
i'm sure a lot of the stuff in between will also hold a lot of things that happened in the past to me, but won't end the way they did. nope, they'll be happy stories for me. they'll end the way i wished they would after it all happened. it'll be cathartic! and all those wonderful happy things that happened, those will immortalized on paper for me to read and recall and smile. i don't know if there were many of them, and perhaps more will appear in my thoughts to help outweigh my unhappy thoughts.
but i still think this novel will be my catharsis and maybe it'll help me free myself from those nagging, lingering feelings. that'll be nice.
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