October 9th, 2010. Captain's log.

so i was browsing around fb, checking out random things that popped up on my wall and i realized something that's been bugging me.

i have no interests.

sure, there are a lot of "info" tidbits i've typed up in that convenient little box dedicated to the bits and pieces that're supposed to give you an idea of who i am, but those interests? they're just random things i dump in there to remind myself i like them. a few people i like, my favorite animal, things i like looking at when i'm at the park... really random things. but that's just it, they're just random things i don't obsess over, just things i find interesting to a degree. what i want, though, is to find an obsession.

my 4 years of college, that obsession was almost rugby. it started off mild my first year, i got really into it my second year, and by the time i was a junior, my feelings about it definitely lost their edge. it started to become "just something" i did and had been doing for so long, it never crossed my mind to stop. the same was tennis my 4 years in high school. all my interests start off tentative, go strong, and then die pretty quickly and i just can't seem to find that one thing that's been able to sustain my interest for long. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. a little sad, i guess, with a little chagrin and acceptance thrown in for flavor.

so why does this show up now? like i said, i was looking through fb and realized that a lot of people do have obsessions- things they do and have done since they were sentient, and will probably continue with no matter how crazy their lives become. and i don't have that.

yea, i'm jealous.

i'm a college graduate who's still trying to figure out this thing called life. it's like i wasted all 4 years with my head down, slamming it into every wall put in my way because i was so callow and obstinate, gritting my teeth, refusing to look up and adjust the strain on my neck because... because i couldn't? because i was too scared that if i did, i'd find another path and then where would i be? confused, stuck, unsure. i hate those feelings. i like knowing. i like plans. i like sticking to those things i assumed were presaged and set.

and i hate realizing that i was an idiot.

so here i am. confused, stuck, unsure and trying to figure out my entire life without actually committing to anything. you know, just in case it happens again. but i figure i'll start at square one. i'm looking to find an obsession, an addiction, a corner stone in my life where i can retreat to with total confidence.

i guess i'll start learning the harmonica.