my dad just handed me a piece of cut apple. it had been washed.
i asked why he washed it, and he told me something... i didn't really get it
but i'm not going to eat the apple.
also, a few days ago, i was walking out of the post office when i saw a table had been set up
and there were posters of obama's face with a little hitler 'stache.
the guy manning said desk looks at me and goes: "obama's trying to kill you"
and i, in all my intelligent splendor respond: "that's ok..."
he looks at me, taken aback and says: "that's not ok! how is that ok?"
and looking at my car parked in the 30 minute slot with only a few minutes remaining,
i respond: "considering our nation's history, i'm used to it" smile awkwardly, and walk away.
yea... i'm not a very patriotic person although i want to be. i still think obama's pretty awesome.
even if he hasn't done really everything he's promised, but hey... who does?
give the guy some slack- he's trying to fix problems that are gonna take waaaay longer than he thought it would take... meh, but hindsight is 20/20 right? just gotta keep looking forward, even if you're doing it blindly.
happy new years eve everyone! even if i've been home all day, sleeping, eating and watching things on hulu and youtube for the past 11 hours...
wow, that is rather sad. i'd go out, of course, but where would i go? i don't really have friends... especially now on the west coast- everyone's growing and changing and forgetting about me...
bah. i am going to change the world; my current silly sufferings are trifling at best.
look out 2010. you've got a crap load of graduates flooding your world, and i'm one of them.
yea, that's right. be scared.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
last days of fall semester
so i finished all my finals, and pretty much bombed the 2 that were actually worth anything. something is seriously wrong here... but the problem lies more in the fact that i tell people about how hard i work, but i think it's how hard i work relative to what i believe other people do. based on what i do, i'm coasting at best. i've got potential but potential doesn't mean squat unless it's put into motion, so yea.. i gotta get on that at some point right? right.
in other news, i've continued to practice the art of procrastination and have yet to start on this paper due today. go me!
i need someone to push me, give me a swift kick when i'm being a bum and push me even more. i'll call them a nag, annoying, a bother, etc. but really, my heart will do nothing more than totally engulf said person with love and gratitude. wanna be that person for me?
all my friends are leaving for home. i don't get to leave until the 20th cause of lab stuff, and i come back about 2 weeks prior to classes starting. will that get me motivated? probably not. i think i've been genetically created to be a really super lazy bum. honest. most people can only do absolutely nothing for so long before they have to go do something. me? naw, i can literally park myself in front of a computer and find nothing to do for hours on end, days, weeks, months.
except i've never tried it, cause i know if i go on that trail... it's going to be waaaay to hard to turn back. maybe that's why i'm overloading myself on credits all the time? i'm going to try and not do that next semester... limit myself, but i think i'm going to be joining another lab and i really want to do more volunteer work cause i'm going nuts without it... ah, who am i kidding? instead of trying to make promises i know i'll never keep, i should just accept myself for who i am and work around that instead. so i know i'm going to be overloading myself. so what do i need and what can i do?
let's see. i'm going to be taking 16 credits of classes. that's not bad, right? i mean, i'm also going to be in 3 labs, but i can fit those around my schedule. i also hope to do volunteer work with REACH again, and i want to volunteer with the suicide hotline here. and maybe at the rehab center? oh, and i really want to continue in the few clubs i'm in, and stay active in APO.
yea, i'm not really good at this. i'm going to go ahead and do everything. because i can.
LIFE IS GOOD!
in other news, i've continued to practice the art of procrastination and have yet to start on this paper due today. go me!
i need someone to push me, give me a swift kick when i'm being a bum and push me even more. i'll call them a nag, annoying, a bother, etc. but really, my heart will do nothing more than totally engulf said person with love and gratitude. wanna be that person for me?
all my friends are leaving for home. i don't get to leave until the 20th cause of lab stuff, and i come back about 2 weeks prior to classes starting. will that get me motivated? probably not. i think i've been genetically created to be a really super lazy bum. honest. most people can only do absolutely nothing for so long before they have to go do something. me? naw, i can literally park myself in front of a computer and find nothing to do for hours on end, days, weeks, months.
except i've never tried it, cause i know if i go on that trail... it's going to be waaaay to hard to turn back. maybe that's why i'm overloading myself on credits all the time? i'm going to try and not do that next semester... limit myself, but i think i'm going to be joining another lab and i really want to do more volunteer work cause i'm going nuts without it... ah, who am i kidding? instead of trying to make promises i know i'll never keep, i should just accept myself for who i am and work around that instead. so i know i'm going to be overloading myself. so what do i need and what can i do?
let's see. i'm going to be taking 16 credits of classes. that's not bad, right? i mean, i'm also going to be in 3 labs, but i can fit those around my schedule. i also hope to do volunteer work with REACH again, and i want to volunteer with the suicide hotline here. and maybe at the rehab center? oh, and i really want to continue in the few clubs i'm in, and stay active in APO.
yea, i'm not really good at this. i'm going to go ahead and do everything. because i can.
LIFE IS GOOD!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
fast
yea. so i broke my fast today.
4 days of fasting, and i couldn't finish... bah. i have no self control, i just got really really hungry and started craving thai food. so i ate rice noodles and rice krispies and tortilla chips. wtf.
i think it's cause i realized that i have no idea how my financial aid is gonna work out for my last year here. why is this happening!? just give me money for one more year! gah!
and i still haven't finished my application to the peace corps, partially started on my module 1 training, haven't called kaplan for the mcats, and just barely gave a thought to americorps.
i'm damn lazy. that has to change.
next week. i know, i know, i'm just pushing it off but i really want one week to just do NOTHING. and since i don't have work tomorrow or the weekend, i have time to do just that. nothing.
i swear, everything gets done though. starting next week... :)
4 days of fasting, and i couldn't finish... bah. i have no self control, i just got really really hungry and started craving thai food. so i ate rice noodles and rice krispies and tortilla chips. wtf.
i think it's cause i realized that i have no idea how my financial aid is gonna work out for my last year here. why is this happening!? just give me money for one more year! gah!
and i still haven't finished my application to the peace corps, partially started on my module 1 training, haven't called kaplan for the mcats, and just barely gave a thought to americorps.
i'm damn lazy. that has to change.
next week. i know, i know, i'm just pushing it off but i really want one week to just do NOTHING. and since i don't have work tomorrow or the weekend, i have time to do just that. nothing.
i swear, everything gets done though. starting next week... :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
day 1
so, i tried to fast for a few days. i don't think it's doing me any good... i'm trying to tell myself it's all spiritual but really, i don't know. all i feel is hungry :\
and i've been reading the bible but all i get is more questions. bah, whatever happened to blindly believing whatever your parents told you? do you remember that? when i was but a child, it didn't matter what science or the rest of the world said. if my parents told me i could touch the moon, then i could. there was no doubt in what they thought, only doubt that i'd be able to do it right then. but later, if and when i really wanted to... yea, i could do it.
now all i have is fear and doubt. i'm too frightened of my grades so i don't check them. i'm too frightened of not being able to succeed, so i don't try. i'm too frightened of being in a perpetual state of loneliness, so i refuse to be anything but friend and even then, i'm just super awkward and i don't like to make eye contact.
and i want to be a doctor? how'm i supposed to do that? ugh.
but you know what? whatever. i'm happy for the most part. i have friends and family to love, and i hope dearly that they love me. goodness knows i try my best. i think in all this trying though, i haven't been able to figure out who i am. i know i'm kind of a chameleon. i'm always moderating or agitating or subduing or whatever-ing myself to provide a balance around people. and i'm so awful at one on one, i don't know how to mediate that cause conversation and feelings only go in two directions. i'm so much more comfortable around just myself or 2+ cause then it doesn't really require me. all it requries is that i make sure everyone else is alright, and it's insanely easier than focusing on one person and how my actions are affecting that one person. that's hard.
it's day 3 of my fast, and i'm pretty sure i broke it but i'll forgive myself for that... if there's one thing i've learned the last few years of my life, it's that if i don't forgive myself for the failures i've accrued... well, then there's just no living with me cause i just get that much more annoying and awkward and awful... alliterations are always advantageous.
and i've been reading the bible but all i get is more questions. bah, whatever happened to blindly believing whatever your parents told you? do you remember that? when i was but a child, it didn't matter what science or the rest of the world said. if my parents told me i could touch the moon, then i could. there was no doubt in what they thought, only doubt that i'd be able to do it right then. but later, if and when i really wanted to... yea, i could do it.
now all i have is fear and doubt. i'm too frightened of my grades so i don't check them. i'm too frightened of not being able to succeed, so i don't try. i'm too frightened of being in a perpetual state of loneliness, so i refuse to be anything but friend and even then, i'm just super awkward and i don't like to make eye contact.
and i want to be a doctor? how'm i supposed to do that? ugh.
but you know what? whatever. i'm happy for the most part. i have friends and family to love, and i hope dearly that they love me. goodness knows i try my best. i think in all this trying though, i haven't been able to figure out who i am. i know i'm kind of a chameleon. i'm always moderating or agitating or subduing or whatever-ing myself to provide a balance around people. and i'm so awful at one on one, i don't know how to mediate that cause conversation and feelings only go in two directions. i'm so much more comfortable around just myself or 2+ cause then it doesn't really require me. all it requries is that i make sure everyone else is alright, and it's insanely easier than focusing on one person and how my actions are affecting that one person. that's hard.
it's day 3 of my fast, and i'm pretty sure i broke it but i'll forgive myself for that... if there's one thing i've learned the last few years of my life, it's that if i don't forgive myself for the failures i've accrued... well, then there's just no living with me cause i just get that much more annoying and awkward and awful... alliterations are always advantageous.
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