Friday, May 16, 2014

well frackity frack, i'm up a pound...

It's been a couple of days on maintenance, and after all that clean eating and working out, on Sunday I discovered that my morning weigh in has resulted in a 2 lb gain. I went to the acupuncturist and after he did a body scan, concluded that I'd actually lost fat and gained muscle so I'm not too concerned. Besides, a few days later (i.e. this morning), I weighed myself and saw that I'd lost a lb of that 2 lb gain so I'm actually only up ONE pound and I'm really hoping that's muscle. 

I've been going to the gym and hitting the weights a little more heavily than usual, swapping out my usual 20 min pre and post workout cardio sessions. I still do my pre-cardio, actually, but I've tried a few classes that are offered at the gym- cycling (which I now very much enjoy) and boot camp with weights. I usually abhor classes that are crammed with people, which boot camp and classes like zumba tend to be. I am not comfortable being surrounded by so many people and generally enjoy working out in solitude. However, the cycle classes are pretty small (biggest class I've been in so far had less than 10 people in it) and the one boot camp class I did was fun, but I'll probably only participate if it just happens to coincide with my schedule. Too many people makes me feel... itchy. I don't know, like in my brain- a tugging anxiety and unreasonable annoyance at the existence of others. 


But I tried the class anyway. I took this personality test thing online (personalysis, but the free version at if you want to try it out) and it was kind of hilarious how accurate it is. Basically, I'm extremely people oriented and extroverted, like leadership positions and being acknowledged, enjoy structure and rules and prefer work settings that allow me to do my own thing, travel, and blah blah blah. It goes on to say some more things that are all pretty much true, but what it also did was remind me of my weaknesses- things I have to be aware of that could come around to bite me if I'm not careful. There are a few that I already knew, like I tend to trust people to do what they say and tend to go out of my way to help others without thinking about myself, but one that I didn't think about was that I also tend to shy away from things I don't have excessive information about (i.e. if I'm not in control, I won't do it).

This is something I do see often. If I feel out of my depth and uncomfortable due to lack of something or other, I'm pretty good at finding ways around it. 

So I've decided that along with my weight loss and detox, another thing I want to add into my life is to do more things that I know are really good for me, but freak me out and make me crazy anxious. Not in the bad way, mind. I'm not going to suddenly induce myself to have panic attacks by forcing myself to sit in shark infested waters or anything like that, but I want to put myself in more situations that make me uncomfortable but will make me a better person.

I know, some people are thinking- girl, you lived in a developing country for 2 years without total knowledge of the language and culture, without family and friends. You got a degree at a fancy university, leaving your parents for the first time in your life, and joined a sport you never played before, a TEAM sport on top of all of that even though you're a creature that craves solitude and distance. How much more uncomfortable can you get?

And honestly? Only some of those things were uncomfortable for me. By far, the most anxiety producing thing of all those things was joining rugby. Being around people made me twitch back in high school. Joining the tennis team was my first step in trying to become a better person- I made friends, grew into a more social creature, and started to become active. It would lead to a bigger drastic change- a sport that required me to not just play nice with others, but to have full contact with people, both aggressively (no problems there) and supportively (big jump out of my comfort zone). Once I got the hang of people hugging me, I kind of liked it (it only took like 4 years to get used to it...) 

Joining the Peace Corps after all that wasn't actually that difficult for me. I know, that's kind of a dick thing to say considering how hard it was for so many people to make that decision, to those who are now currently making that decision. But it just, wasn't. I had no concerns about the language, the culture, the people, even my things. Ok, I was a little worried about my things because I couldn't get a straight answer from anyone ("It Depends" became a recurring nightmare), but I was mostly just really excited and had no other expectations. 

You know why? Because that's stuff I was good at. Chatting up people, struggling academically with language, figuring out how to navigate around a place I didn't know, all of this didn't induce as much anxiety as it might have. Actually, figuring out combis was a little worrisome cause I was convinced I'd die each time I took one outside of my community, but it all worked out in the end. 

But what I realize is that the thing that freaks me out the most more than anything else is being unprepared. Walking into something without a clue, without the opportunity to do massive amounts of research and then have previous experience to compare it to, makes my heart skip 12 beats. I, for example, didn't think I could do the boot camp class because I've never taken an instructional course for anything fast paced before. I was confused during the thing, but it involved a lot of movements that I had done before with my trainer and my usual workouts so it wasn't so bad. I think zumba was give me a heart attack, because I have never taken a formal dance class (besides when my mom put me in tap dancing and ballet when I was so young, I barely have any memories of it).

So I've decided that I need to do more things that freak me out. Which is why, at my internship, I say yes to anything the boss asks me to do, even if I have no idea wtf he's talking about. I say yes, I nod exuberantly, I take a look at the data or file or whatever, and then I tell him I have no idea what he wants and he's going to have to explain it all to me step by step. Thank God boss man is a totally awesome teacher who's always willing to take a few minutes to explain things to me. 

I've now also decided that once I start school in August, I'm going to do one more thing that gives me a punched in the stomach feel just thinking about it. I'm going to take a capoeira class for the 2 years I am there. I want to be on my way to becoming a capoerista. If you don't know, capoeira is like a brazilian dance/martial art combo thing that looks amazing. I won't be able to do all the fancy shmancy high paced twists and flips and amazingness that I see on youtube and blogs for a long long while, but I'll be on my way! Mind, this freaks me out b/c again- it's dancing and I don't know dancing, I'm not at all a one-on-one kind of aggressor (definitely passive aggressive and damn good at it), and I can't do a solid pushup, let alone a handstand... all of these things and my fear of failure will be working against me, which is WHY I know I have to do this. 

Also, I would prefer it if you're reading this, to never ever bring up capoeria with me EVER until I actually join the class. I'm not kidding about being freaked out, and talking about it will make me more scared. I need to get to that point where my anxiety is balanced by my excited enthusiasm... right now, mind clawing anxiety is 97.6% of my decision, and the enthusiasm is about 2.0%. The remaining 0.4% is blank space and white noise... I'm pretty sure it's actually a visual representation of my anxiety that I don't want to categorize as anxiety cause 98% is too damn high. 

Alrighty, that's all for now! Oh, except today I had a craving for chocolate so I ate 1 Hershey's dark chocolate piece, 2 rolos, and 1 Easter Butterfinger egg. That's a lot of chocolate and it was heavenly cause they were all melting from the 95 degree heat today (at 7pm), but I probably won't be happy about it tomorrow. Whatever, it was yummers.

OK that's all for now for reals. I'm going to finish reading this book called "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg (very interesting read about powerful women leaders in the workplace) and then try to sleep! Nighty night, sweet dreams <3 div="">

Thursday, May 8, 2014

week 1 of maintenance is almost over and i've re-gained NOTHING! SUCCESS!!

A quick summary:
3 days pre-fast diet of fruits, veggies, fish, tofu, no seasonings or anything else
2 weeks of juice fast of only that detox fermented juice, diluted in water
2 weeks of post juice fast diet of fruits, veggies, fish, tofu, no seasonings or anything else

Last Sunday, I started reintroducing new things back into my diet. The foods I've put back into my body, with zero change in the scales are: cottage cheese, greek yogurt, baked korean sweet potatoes, and egg whites. These are all things I used to eat all the time (protein dense stuff that keeps me full and staves off hunger with an axe) and I'm crazy happy to have them back in my diet! Even more than that, I was really concerned because one night I was super hungry after working out (I just joined LA Fitness for the next 3 months, which I'm hoping will become a habit to go to every day!) and decided "ok, this is the night I introduce eggs back into my diet." So I went and boiled a whole bunch, and ate 4 egg whites before bed.

The next morning, I was up almost a pound and I thought... damn it! I can't eat egg whites?? That SUCKS. Except I had some more that day because... I like eggs. The next morning, I weighed myself and discovered that my weight had gone back to its lowest like nbd. I realized that eating right before bed does some funky stuff with my body's water retention. Once I figured that out, I realized that I really need to eat my last meal like at least 3-4 hours before I sleep and let my body process it all. So that's what I've been doing!

Now that it's summer time, though, this food thing is starting to get hard. My internship has been celebrating nurse week and has had some great food for cinco de mayo and today there was an outdoor grill with burgers and hot dogs and baked beans and this and that and I just wanted to shove everything in my mouth. I could smell the hot dogs grilling and feel drool pooling out of my mouth like a cartoon. Ridiculous. STILL I resisted, ate a slice of watermelon, grabbed another salad with some cottage cheese and walked away.

Except later I went to Costco and bought so many different fruits and veggies and protein sources like more greek yogurt and cottage cheese and string cheese and tilapia and eggs and I'm so excited to eat everything. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try my very first grains! I bought a giant bag of red and white quinoa at Costco that I'm really hoping my body loves and doesn't freak out and reject. Because I love quinoa. Please love me back, quinoa.

I also bought an oversized bag of almonds that I'm slowly going to munch on during snack time cause the massive amounts of cookies, kettle corn popcorn, bagel chips, and chocolates at the office are major temptations. So grains and nuts are coming back into play by the weekend!

Next week, I'm going to try popcorn, coconut and olive oil, and rice. The following week will be chocolate, alcohol, and oatmeal. The week after is hot sauce, sriracha, and bread. Then I will finally reach poultry, beef, and pork! I think I might throw in coffee and tea somewhere in there, but I want to keep as much salt and caffeine out of my system for as long as possible. These are all things I'm hoping to try again, but chances are I'll mix it up as things come. Plus, I'm probably going to add korean food in there sooner than later (like kimchi... man, I want some kimchi) but I'll play it all by ear.

I'm no longer going to the acupuncture place like every other day. Now, since it's maintenance, I only go once a week for just a few minutes. I'm not sure what's supposed to happen during this time, I think the acupuncturist wants to measure my weight, % body fat and muscle, and make sure I'm not regaining everything I've lost. I think he also plans on doing some acupuncture on my ears? From what I've heard, it's supposed to help me control my cravings for not so good for me food... but to be honest, I don't hold much faith in that. We'll see when the time comes, but I want a steak covered in bacon with a side of mashed buttery, roasted garlicy potatoes and cheesey bread with red wine or a beer. Followed by a cheesecake covered in coffee ice cream. That would be true happiness on a plate. I don't think some needles in my ear lobes are going to stop me from wanting that, but I do think I've proven my will power to be super strong so I'm not going to eat shity food, but that's because I won't allow myself.

Deny, deny, deny. I'm pretty sure something about that isn't healthy, mentally, but ah well... it's happening! Plus, once I figure out my gym going rhythm, I'm not going to want to do anything to mess up the work I've been putting in so it'll get easier. Right now, the gym is a disgusting festering mass of human bodies at 6pm. I hate working out when there are people around, so I'm going to try to get in the habit of either working out directly after my short days (when I generally finish around 1 or so, which I'm hoping is such an odd hour that no one will be at the gym) and at like 5am on my usual 9 to 5 days (I've never been to the gym that early, so we'll see if it's populated like post-zombie apocalypse or a community ready to pass around the bubonic plague... aka super empty or cramp packed).

Then again, I just tried a cycle class and really liked it. But I'm happy to cycle on my own too! I'm just tired of giant gym dudes hogging all the squat racks and bench presses :c Plus, I'm sorry but I can't lift like 300lbs off the ground so when you're done, could you take those giant weights off instead of making me do it? Rude.

We'll see how things go! None of my pants fit anymore, except a pair I stole from my mom and a pair of pants I bought upon returning to the U.S... black skinny jeans that currently fit like regular pants, but at least they stay up! My other formal pants, I have to donate (there is no saving them) and my jeans? I can slip them on and off without undoing the zipper or button. Ridic.

Shopping fun.

Ok, bed time now. Tomorrow, I start the morning with some eggs and quinoa, maybe throw in some cilantro and cheese? Mmmm... I love food.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

the acupuncturist made me cry today...

Had a chat with my med school brosef about all this fasting I'm doing, and his final words were "don't call him doctor. He's not a doctor." lol.

So alrighty. I went to the acupuncturist today. Since this last Sunday, I've been allowed to have one meal (lunch) every day, and two meals juice (breakfast and dinner). My lunch consists of vegetables, fruits, tofu, and/or fish with no seasonings (aka, that pre-fast). I'm to eat until I'm no longer hungry, but stop before I get full. This is terrible for me, because I'm never not hungry. I always want to eat; eating is amazing. Plus, I'm not really a "one giant meal" kind of person. For the most part, I'm just constantly snacking. I probably eat an actual meal meal amount in a few hours, but broken down because I get a bit distracted and am doing other things. If I'm not grazing, I'm probably about to binge because I'm crazy hungry. This happens maybe once every couple of months, when I lose track of time and get really absorbed in something and totally forget to eat. Then I go home and down an entire large cheese pizza in less than an hour. It's terrible, but I'm also kind of impressed by my ability to eat vast quantities of cheese so life moves on.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what exactly one lunch meal consists for me because what I've noticed so far is that I wake up hungry, have some probiotics, vitamins, and omega-3 tablets, and then sip on some juice. About 2-3 hours later, my stomach is about to cave in on itself and I'm counting down the hours and minutes until lunch at 12. I grab an enormous salad with some fruit, like woah that's a lot of lettuce but I eat the entire thing and I'm not full. I'm still, actually, kind of peckish. I should probably get some tofu or fish but for the last few days, haven't been able to. Tomorrow, I'm bringing my own to work with me so I have it on hand and that should help a lot. But anyway, I eat the salad, and eat the fruit, and then about 2-3 hours later, I'm so hungry all I'm thinking about are burgers and hot wings and steak and pho and pizza and empanadas and thai curry and naan and just so much food that I want in my body. But I resist, I keep downing water like I'm trying to drown my cravings until I get home. Once I get home, I get to sipping on that juice again and the feelings quell. And then about 2 hours later, I'm trying to force myself to sleep so that I can wake up and drink more juice cause damn it, I'm hungry...

Now, I think this is good news regarding my metabolism but bad news because I hate being hungry. I mentioned this to the acupuncture dude and he didn't really give me any answers on what to do about it. We did talk about my workout schedule though. I have lost zero weight since last Sunday. I haven't gained anything, but 4 days of eating only 1 meal of salad and 2 meals of juice without weight loss is kind of a bummer. He says that I need to sweat more. He's obsessed with me sweating more. I mean, I get it. I should sweat but cardio doesn't really make me sweat. He's suggested that I do this thing where I wear a long sleeve shirt and sit in my bathtub, filled only up to my belly in water as hot as I can take. Then I get out and wait for 10-15 minutes, during which time my body will start to sweat. I follow it with a shower and apparently, I should still be sweating for a while after that. I told him I'd try it and after a run today (6km) wearing long sleeve underarmour with very very light sweating (maybe it's the dry air?), I went to go do that BUUUUTTT turns out, no one in my family bathes so no one's tried the plug in a while and neither of the bathrooms work. Womp, womp.

I told my dad, he said he'd fix it so I guess nothing to be done until then.

Besides the lack of weight loss and the constant hunger, I also have a rather sore throat (it was cold last night and I woke up with extremely dry mouth, like wow the inside of my mouth felt like numb leather), my jaw hurts when I open my mouth wide, and my shoulders are super tight. When I told the acupuncturist all of this, he had me lie down and put needles all over my tummy, side of my knees, top of my foot, on my face above the jaw, on my neck, and I looked like a pin cushion. All this was fine. A few places pinched but the pain was momentary at best. And then he put some needles on my thumbs.


Look at your left thumb nail. About a centimeter below your nail and half a centimeter to the right of where your nail ends, that's where he put a needle. Try pushing on that with your other thumb nail. It hurts right? Yea, that spot was a freakin bitch. I got no warning, he just puts it in, I cringe at the pain and then it doesn't go away. It gets worse. As I'm cringing, he puts in a needle in both thumbs and I tell him, IT HURTS. He looks at me and asks, "still hurts? Yea, these ones hurt." I can't breathe and I immediately burst into tears, my entire body gets super tight and tense, all the other needles are burning at this point because I can't relax. He immediately takes the needles out of my thumbs at that point and tries to calm me down, and I'm like sobbing. He tells me that he should have explained about those before doing it, but no apologies for making me cry. That's kind of a dick move, but I'm too busy trying to stop crying so I don't say anything. He hands me a tissue and rubs at the spot on my thumb until the pain goes away.

Then I just lay there for another 30 minutes until our session was up and he took out the other needles. The last thing I told him regarding the needles? "Don't ever do that again." So at least that'll never happen again. I sure as hell will make sure it doesn't.

Besides that though, those remaining 30 minutes were fairly pleasant once I got myself under control again. My jaw is still tight but it should go away by tomorrow. It started yesterday and was so bad, I couldn't open my mouth very wide but it got better today so I imagine it should be mostly gone by tomorrow. I don't know about my throat though. I don't know why I'm such a weirdo when I'm sleeping and do these things to myself. Stop it!

Well, I'm really hungry right now and can't stop watching BJ DIVA on youtube, eating massive amounts of food. That, and epic meal time and sorted and maangchi and man food is EVERYWHERE AND I WANT IT ALL THE TIME. Sigh.

I'm also still looking for an apartment for school, but my future roomie found a few potential places so huzzah! Excited! Ok that's all. You have a good week now, ya hear?


Friday, April 18, 2014

one day left in my 2 week fast...

I got weirdly sick last night and wasn't able to update as planned, but here's what's up so far:

On Thursday, I went to another treatment session at the clinic and this time, got full on acupuncture all up on my tummy and thighs. But this wasn't just acupuncture, oh no. The next thing the doc does is attach wires to the needles sticking out of me and wooooo, turns out I'll be getting some electric shock goodness. This was a little unpleasant, at least more so than when I just got thighs and tummy wrapped with the machine, but it wasn't too bad. I did this for about an hour and I was done but the unpleasant bit was when he was chatting with me regarding my "Recovery" stage, post "Fasting" stage.

Come Sunday, I will be taking a bottle of juice for breakfast and dinner, but will be eating during lunch. On day one, I get to boil some vegetables and drink the liquid ("you can have a little bit of the vegetables," said doc). The days following that, I get the same diet as the pre-fast: fruits, vegetables, tofu, fish and no seasonings. The unpleasant bit? I had no idea I'd be continuing the juices during the next two weeks of recovery. It was never mentioned to me, never pointed out during any of this time, and since I was only given 3 bottles of juice, I'm fairly certain I just might run out of formula. This means, I need to cough up another $140 to cover the cost of a 4th bottle. 

Had someone said something at any point during these last 2 weeks that I will be drinking 3 bottles over the span of a MONTH and NOT just during the 2 weeks of fasting, I probably would have been a little more careful about how much juice I was drinking. I'm already paying over $1k for this whole thing ($1200 to be exact), which is definitely why I'm being very careful and thorough with all of this because DAMN IT this better be worth the price tag. But come on, another $140? Ridiculous. 

They had me take a bottle home, just in case, but I'm being careful with my remaining 3rd bottle now and I think I might be able to JUST make it so I'm not going to drink it. However, now I'm thinking of buying that 4th bottle anyway and having my mom try fasting for a week (sans treatments) for the detox. 

So, annoying but not awful. 

I just got a 3 day guest pass at LA fitness to help with the last few days of fasting because I'm just not sweating enough. The one I go to has a sauna so I figured that would help. I was actually trying to sign up for the 2 weeks free but since I was a member there, about 3 years ago, I am not eligible. The gym has revamped and changed a lot since then, so I think this is pretty much the stupidest thing ever, but whatever. I was hoping the 3 days would give me enough time to get used to the gym, feel comfortable there, and I could join but now I don't think so. Yesterday, I didn't get enough juice in me because I had gotten a little swamped at my internship and forgot to sip on it during the day. Then later, the center told me about needing that 4th bottle and me being me, I subconsciously decided to not drink any more for that day. I went to the gym that night and thought I was going to pass out. I was on the stairs for a while, and then working on my shoulders/delts, and feeling a little light headed. I forgot my water bottle so I was just sipping periodically from the water fountain. I went into the sauna and after a few minutes, could feel my head swimming. I thought maybe I was just a little dehydrated so I walked out and drank some more water before sitting in for a little longer. I could tell I wasn't doing so hot, though, so I stepped back out and took a shower. I basically could only rinse myself off and had to put my head between my knees, take a few deep breaths, before I left because I was not feeling great.

I got home, and immediately started to get chills. Trying to put away my sweaty clothes and wet towel were the worst feelings cause anything cold against my skin made my insides feel like they were freezing. I eventually got my teeth brushed and curled up in bed, my electric bed warmer up to high and under 2 blankets. I was pouring sweat but just couldn't stand the cold air... I finally fell asleep and woke up this morning feeling alright. 


Besides that, everything was good. I've noticed that smells are much stronger for me, but generally still elicit hunger. I've had a few friends visit me this week, which means going out to eat. I just sip on my juice as they chow down on amazing looking food, but I'm not that tempted to eat it, which is nice. I get a strange, perverse enjoyment from watching other people eat... it's kind of like when I watch people cook on youtube and stuff. It just doesn't feel right if they don't try the food afterwards. I think it just makes me happy when other people enjoy their food- it's why I cooked and baked so often, but never really ate anything. Someone sent me a link about these korean girls who eat gigantic amounts of food over live-chat feeds and basically get paid to do so. I could probably watch them eat all day, and I don't know why : / (look up 

디바 먹방 online). I know, it's weird. Let's move on.

So I have just one more day left on my juice fast. Since I started (measured before pre-diet) and until now, I've lost a total for 13.6lbs (according to my daily measurements). That might not be a lot for some people, but I'm someone who has struggled with losing even a single pound from any diet so this is kind of a miracle for me. My clothes no longer really fit and I need to get my pants all tailored or something after this. My goal is to keep losing the weight for a total of 20lbs so I'm still a few off goal. I'm sure I'll regain some things during the recovery, when I'm getting actual food in me, and even more during the maintenance, when I'm totally off the juice, but I'll just have to work on it. I seriously hope, though, that I keep losing and don't regain anything. Because for reals, this shit is expensive. 

Alright, we'll see how the next 2 weeks of recovery go.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

this mother effing fast is making me lose my mind

4 more days of fasting left. Last night, I had a dream that I ran out of the juice concentrate and since I wasn't going to starve myself, I convinced myself that I had to eat something. So I stepped out of the train that I was on for some reason, and into a food court and ordered from this giant buffet table of everything delicious. I woke up so I don't know if I actually ate it, but I'm willing to bet that I did.

Since being on this fast, I'm starting to lose cognitive ability. On Monday, I was part of a presentation at my internship that I just wasn't all there for. I would literally forget what I had just said, forget a word that I was trying to use, and just generally off the mark. Thankfully, the lss black belt and the other interns didn't seem to notice, or if they did they were all very kind about it. It didn't seem to inhibit the general presentation either, so thank baby Jesus for that. 

And then yesterday, I went to the gym. I've been going to this free, local community gym at a high school since it seemed kind of silly to pay for a membership when I'm only going to be here for a few more months before school starts in another state. There aren't any free weights, but some pretty solid machines and kettle bells so it's been nice. I decided to work on my arms and realized that my rings were still on my hand, cutting into my fingers. So, I took them off and stuck them in my back pocket with my ipod. 

I finished, stepped out of the gym, and was walking to my car when I pulled my ipod out. I distinctly remember checking my pocket at the point, to make sure my rings didn't fall out with it. They were still there. And then from here, everything with those rings gets hazy. I don't remember taking them out of my pocket, but I grabbed my phone to take a picture of the moon while it was huge and beautiful in the sky. I drove home, took a shower, and spent the night looking at the moon. About 30 minutes before full blood moon, I realize that my rings are not on my fingers and I check my pants. No rings. I bolt downstairs and in the darkness of night, I am frantically searching my car. I see one of my rings on the passenger seat of the car. WHERE IS MY OTHER ONE? MY CLASS RING IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. I'm freaking out, pulling apart my car and trying to find this damn ring.


Deep breath, I head back inside and take a few more glances at the moon until I fall asleep, trying to assure myself that I'll be able to see better once the sun is up...

Wake up this morning and bolt downstairs, check the car and recruit my dad to help me. Both of us drive back to the high school and check the parking lot, the car again, everything and no ring to be found.

My dad literally tore the flooring out of my car, on the off chance it fell into some weird crevice but nope. It's gone. I can't make heads or tails of this, because my other ring was there on the seat. They were together, I must have set them down together. Why didn't I put them back on my fingers? Why didn't I put them in the cup holder or some place NOT the seat? What is going on?

I have zero ideas why the things I always do did not happen. The only thing that's affecting me right now is this juice fast, so I can only assume I had some sort of mild aneurysm that resulted in this mistake. But for now, I'm calling it a sacrifice to the blood moon and I'm hoping and praying this means I will have forever amazing good fortune and luck in the future... sigh.

I've been freaking out about that ring ever since. I rarely lose things, so to lose something so expensive and so meaningful to me is just... the worst.

Anyway, I went to get some more acupuncture today. More electrical stimulation to my quads and belly, suction cupping on my back thighs, and this rather painful ultrasound or something on my lower back. That didn't last for long, but it was like hot ashes were landing on me. I think maybe the stimulation coupled with the heat lamp was a bad idea, but it didn't last for very long. He also put needles in my face and hands for like less than a minute, and then ended with something called moxa on my head. It literally burned my hair and was super painful. Just one point on the tippy point top of my head, he basically burned me like 3 times in the same spot. They were short, really painful burns and I could smell my hair burning. The pain is pretty quick, though, so once he finished I was fine. Still, weird. Apparently it's supposed to help with the concentration. All I can say is, TOO LATE. 

He told me that with only 4 days remaining, this time is crucial that I sweat more than I've been sweating now. I don't know what to tell him, I've been trying to make myself sweat as much as possible but I get maybe a light sheen at best- no shirt drenching craziness. He says that I should wrap my quads, lower mid section, and upper torso in saram wrap when I run. I understand that this is to make me sweat, but I have a feeling that's going to make me overheat and collapse in a puddle of twitching sadness so I'm going to say yea, sure, and keep doing what I'm doing to get myself to sweat. I think I'm going to try a free week at the gym or something and use the sauna. 

(note: just looked this up, and I know I'll be bombarded by "JOIN NOW!" emails and phone calls but... yolo-

I'm down about 10lbs since I started a week ago, I have about 20 more that I'm hoping to lose through this program and ultimately, I want to lose another 20lbs by next year. I say all these things, and yet I can smell meat on the grill from someone's backyard and my stomach won't stop growling... that's another thing. I am constantly hungry. The doc says it's not hunger, it's just me missing the sensation of chewing, but I know hungry and this is hungry. My stomach is constantly growling and feeling too tight/empty and it's not a craving (which I also know too well), it's legitimate hunger that keeps rising its ugly face every 10-15 minutes if I am not constantly sipping on this juice. I feel like my teeth are being worn thin because I'm constantly chewing on a straw that I have in my mouth, sipping on juice. I hate being hungry. I can't wait until this weekend.

Also, my skin is terrible. I'm guessing it's the by-product of a detox, having the gross stuff inside of me pushed towards the surface or something, but I don't have very good skin to begin with and now my face looks like a 13 year old's going through puberty in a cartoon or something. It's damn awful and makes me a little angry.

I am losing the weight, but becoming a pizza faced, always hungry idiot. It's not worth the trade in the short term, but I'm hoping once I get back to my normal life, the weight will stay gone and the skin and brain will return to normal function...

I am a person with a lot of faith. Universe, don't test it. Just let it be.

So until next time (probably the end of the fast)!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

day 4 of my detox and i'm feeling weird

I got my third treatment today and it was all acupuncture. I used to be deathly frightened of acupuncture. The idea of having someone stick a whole crap load of needles in my like some sort of human pin cushion was not my idea of enjoyable, and the concept of it just freaked me out.

Today, I faced that fear with a vengeance. First, the doc sticks a bunch of needles in my tummy, ankles, and one in each hand (between the pointer and thumb fleshy bit). I basically took a nap since they shine a heat lamp on me to keep me warm and it was nice and comfortable. Then he had me flip onto my belly and put a bunch of needles all over my back. One hurt like a MOTHER F*CKER but he took it out immediately so the pain subsided pretty quickly. This wasn't as comfortable cause my face was squished into the hole, like a massage chair thing... but in kind of felt like that scene in ace ventura... but maybe not so extreme.

The whole thing took about an hour and afterwards, I talked to the doc about a few things:

1. I get the spins whenever I stand up. The world goes dark and little shiny spots appear from a total head rush that takes a few seconds to subside. He said this was normal, just to take it slow.

2. He was the one who mentioned this, actually, but he asked me if I find myself responding just a tad bit too slowly. I did notice this and thought I was just having a senior moment, but more than a few times today, I kept losing track of what was being told to me and forgetting things that I'd done often at the hospital I volunteer at. Apparently this is normal. I don't think it should be, but I'm going to trust him on this one and hope for the best...

3. I need to sweat more. I've been running in the mornings, but find that I don't really sweat when I run. I'm going to swap my running for jump roping and try to get as much of a sweat on as possible. Doc says I should be soaked through by the end of a workout, as part of the detox. This weekend, he said, is especially crucial for sweating. Maybe I'll hit up a sauna.

4. Maybe a little TMI (avert your eyes if you're not a peace corps volunteer or very comfortable talking about poop), but I haven't had a bowel movement all day. This happened during my 5 day juice fast, but the doc says to keep tabs on this and if it's 3 days with no activity, I need to call him. I think I'd rather just take another few ml of milk of magnesium to get things going, but that is what I shall do. Peeing out of my butt is better than nothing.

That's the update for now! I am supposed to be doing a bunch of stuff for my internship, but I can't seem to focus. I blame the juice. Also, I keep looking up recipes online for humitas and aji de gallina and papa rellenas and ceviche and loads of peruvian food, which the doc will probably tell me to avoid but you can only avoid it for so long before you find yourself knee deep in limes and cow hearts and I think I'm drooling.

Oh, as a side note, I weighed myself yesterday morning and then this morning... and I had gained 0.2lbs. It's like nothing, but COME ON. I put nothing but juice in my body, WTF BODY GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

The end.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

and so the tahara detox fast begins

I forgot to mention a story that popped into my head this morning. When I went in for my second treatment, the doctor was applying the suction cups to my tummy and he goes "you have stretch marks." I wasn't really sure what to say to that. "Yes, also the sky is blue." Were we just stating the obvious? He said it as though I had no idea... like I'd look at my body for the first time ever and go, "WHAT! HOW DID THAT GET THERE?" Instead, I told him that yea, I did. I had them, actually, in various parts of my body and got them back when I was 13 or 14, around my growth spurt. His response was, "they don't go away." And again, I kind of just looked at him like, no shit, sherlock. It's not like I see things happening and think "oh well, that's weird" and never think of them again. I've done my research, obsessed over them for a really long time, and have never worn anything revealing because they were a source of oddity that I hated. That, and I'm overweight so there's always that self consciousness. For someone who runs a weight loss and detox clinic, he was stating some seriously obvious stuff. But again, I just said "yup, I know" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if he was just making chit chat, but it was a little strange. Still, he's a cool guy so I didn't think too much into that and like I said, it was just something that popped into my head this morning that I thought I would share.

So last night, I took 60ml of milk of magnesium, as prescribed. This morning, said laxative did what it was supposed to do and I will spare you the details, but my bowel was moved to tears... liquid, liquid tears...


Anyway, I went to church in the morning, came back, and took out the instructions for what I'm supposed to be doing for the next two weeks. Lo and behold, step one is to take a packet of bifidus as soon as I wake up, and on an empty stomach. A little late on that, but my stomach was empty and so I proceeded to open up the little packet and pop the powder into my mouth. The flavor wasn't unpleasant and I didn't need to drink water or anything to get it down:

My fast for the next 2 weeks
daily packet of bifidus (probiotics)

So I'm supposed to dilute the juice by adding 60ml of it to 440ml of water. Basically, I take out 60ml of water from a 500ml bottle of water, and then add the 60ml of juice back in. Since funneling this sticky juice thing back into the water bottle was going to be annoying, I just added them into my Hydro Flask (which I ordered a few days ago, and got in the mail last night. I love it already! Definitely look into that if you're interested in getting a large, wide mouth steel water bottle. The color is beautiful, it's perfect for someone who drinks a lot of water, and I'm not worried about water sitting in it for too long cause it's steel and not naughty naughty plastic). My 40oz holds about 2 water bottles worth of this stuff. The doctor told me that I need to drink a minimum of 4 bottles of diluted juice a day but, if I find that I'm lacking energy or feeling hungry, I can drink more. 

ingredients are pretty amazing...
I can kind of understand now why this
thing is so damn expensive
the bottle of juice comes with a measuring
cup, bifidus, bottle of water,
and my beautiful acai purple hydro flask!

I was crazy hungry this morning, but the feeling subsided when I got home. Still, I made myself a flask of juice and have been trying to slowly sip it throughout the day. I tend to chug liquids but the doc told me that's a no no, so I'm working on it. The flavor isn't bad. It's sweet, like you took the fake cherry apple juice you can buy at the store and diluted it down. There's definitely a very, slight hint of fermented scent/flavor that I can detect but not in a bad way. All in all, I am really happy that this tastes pretty good. We'll see if it actually keeps me from feeling hungry though... especially since I'm not really helping any of this by watching episodes of Epic Meal Time online...

I would be a vegetarian, if not for meat... : /

Since I started the treatments and the pre-diet fast, I have lost 5.2lbs. I measure myself in the mornings, right after using the bathroom, and right before I drink my first glass of water. I'm pretty consistent with the timing of my measurements so it's a very happy me seeing these results. To weigh myself, I use an EatSmart digital scale which is super simple and from my research, appears to be quite accurate. The doctors weigh me whenever I go in, but it's always fully clothed and after lunch so their weight measurements are sort of meh, but I'm more interested in the percentage body fat results so whatever. Plus, it should be decreasing at a fairly proportional rate.

I have my third treatment tomorrow, after my dental appointment.  I've also been oil pulling with coconut oil for a few weeks now, so I wonder if the dentist will mention any changes or differences in my oral health. 

As a side note, my stomach has started growling like crazy as I type this. I'm not hungry, though. It's just being loud... I'm alone in my room so no big deal, but this might get a little embarrassing when I'm at my internships... womp womp. 

Until next time!