Friday, December 31, 2010

from 2010 to 2011. happy new year world!

so in just less than 4 hours, it will no longer be the year 2010 but the year 2011.
2010 was a good year. i mean, i graduated. that's supposed to be a pretty big accomplishment, even if i don't feel like it was at all. still, i have a diploma framed on my wall so it must have been worth something. and my time spent at cornell was definitely one that, if i could, i would repeat. but i would repeat high school as well. does this mean that it was time well spent, or simply that i can't help but enjoy myself wherever i am? perhaps it's a bit of both.

in any case, 2011 is arriving soon and as i am a big fan of resolutions, i think i'm going to set some for myself. mind, i have yet to recall any of my resolutions from the past, though i assume they are all roughly the same. however, i'm hoping that this little bloggy diary thing i got going on will remind me of my promise to myself this year. plus, i plan on making my resolutions actually attainable, so that's pretty nice of me to me.

my resolutions:
1. figure out a timeline for myself. a little wrench was chucked into my plans for my future, so i'm gonna have to figure out how to roll with the punches here and rework my life goals to make up for the hiccup.
2. lose weight. yea yea, cliche, but i figure a min of 10 pounds in a year is really nothing and 100% doable so i might as well stick it in here to feel more accomplished when i give it a little check upon completion!
3. join the PC. here is where the wrench was thrown. i was nominated to leave in feb with a group in health and water sanitation to central/south america but just recently got an email letting me know that i wasn't actually qualified for the position i was nominated for. yea, super. but, as they did warn me during the application process, the PC can basically drop you like a bad habit without any warning at any time. it happens. so in a way, i'm lucky. but my placement officer sounds like a really nice guy and he's been working hard to have me placed somewhere else. he has extended a possible invite for me to leave for francophone sub-saharan africa to teach science except it leaves in june which totally throws me off. leaving in june means that for a full year since graduation, i will have taken no steps towards my future. this, i cannot abide to. still, the PC has been a dream of mine for a long time now and i'm definitely tilting towards accepting the position. which leads me to...
4. get a job. working in a hospital. i have a few months to gain experience, i'm not going to waste it bumming around. it's frustrating, however, because all the hospital/health related jobs i search for require either some sort of medical degree (of which i obviously do not have) or a few years of experience (except the reason i'm applying is because i have none). i'm a little lost as to how any of these positions ever get filled if no one is given the opportunity to gain the experience the position asks its applicants to have prior to applying. it's an awful catch 22 and i'll be needing some major connections to break through it. but i want this. badly.
5. study for the GRE/GMAT depending on which one i feel most comfortable with and which one the MHA programs i'm looking at want from me
6. check out MHA programs and see if i there's some way i can get in contact with a student who is in the program or an alum of the program. my undergrad grades suck big time, but i think i can help offset some of the bad juju from my GPA with a decent/high standardized exam score. still, i want to apply to a good program and i can't do it without connecting with someone who's gone through it so i gotta work on making connections. my schmoozing skills are at level 1 right now. gotta build that.
7. keep working on my novel, and possibly finish it. no. i will commit. definitely finish it. and edit. oh boy, this is gonna be intense.

can't think of any more right now, it's new year's eve and i really wanna do something before the night is over and the dawn of 2011 is upon us. i can't think of anything, though, so i guess i'll pop some champagne with the fam and get a good rest...

8. make friends.

Monday, December 27, 2010

world just turned upside down

i have been waiting for the peacecorps to get back to me for a few months now. i was nominated to leave in february as a member of a health and water sanitation group in central/south america. i was ecstatic and on edge the past few months, since i didn't hear back from them for the longest time. then i received an email from a placement officer who asked me for a skills addendum to quantify my experience in construction. i responded, i have none.

a month passed. no words.

i finally freak out and can't take the month long wait anymore, so i shoot a quick email asking what's up.

i received a response today.

apparently, i was not qualified for the position i had been nominated for (i needed 3 months of construction experience, but i have none). this made me wonder a few things.

1. why was i nominated for a position i was blatantly unqualified for, right off the bat?
2. why did it take a month after i specifically told them that i do not have that experience for them to tell me i was not qualified?
3. why did it take ME to ask what's up before getting a response that i was unqualified?
4. why did i sit around for months, waiting and hoping for something that i was never going to get?
5. what the hell am i going to do now?

there is a position i am qualified for that is being offered to me with an official invite- teaching science in francophone sub-saharan africa. i would freaking love to take this invite and go full steam ahead with it. except for one thing.

it's in june.

do i wait another 6 months after 6 months of waiting for this job? is it going to be worth the 6 months of my parents yelling and nagging at me that i shouldn't, nay, that i can't do this? is it going to be worth the extra 7 months, 2 years of putting aside my ultimate career goal of attaining an MHA and working at a hospital? i don't know. i really don't.

if i were being offered this change in location and job description, but still set to leave in feb, i would have accepted without a doubt. but june? what do i do while i wait around? i will have done nothing for a year. is it going to be worth it? i don't know. i really don't. i'm being torn in half by these decisions that are going to change my life forever.

i've done every single thing the peacecorps has asked me to do. for nothing. do i deal with the mistake they made, suffer for their error by holding off my life for another 6 months? is that fair? or do i suck it up and make the decision to put a 3 year hold on my life and join because the peacecorps is honestly something that i truly want to do?

do i take the leap of faith and hope the next 3 years are going to be worth it in the end?
or do i scrap my life plans altogether and try to come up with something new?

i'm stuck. the decision is for me to choose between two equally vexing, difficult and life changing choices.

why is this happening right now? all i wanted for my birthday, for christmas, for graduation, for everything up to this point was to get into the PC and leave in feb. so why am i being tested? is this necessary? i don't think it is. i think someone's toying with me right now. and i honestly do not appreciate it.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

nanowrimo edit

oh boy. i've been reading my nanowrimo essay and it is one gigantic heaping pile of poop.

i can salvage a few pieces here and there, but i need to sit myself down and write something better than that crud.

good thing i got me a couple of giftcards to starbucks. i'm probably going to be spending some time there...

friendship is weird.

one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't follow through.
so when i'm really excited about plans to meet, especially after they were confirmed a week in advance, and send a quick text to remind a friend that we're meeting up that day and that i'll be there to pick them up later... the last thing in the world i want is a text back that reads "i can't go."

really? so during that entire week, those seven days,the one hundred sixty eight hours, in any one of those ten thousand eighty minutes, you didn't think of shooting me a quick text with that exact message? you had to wait not only the day of, but AFTER i messaged you about it? seriously? god, it makes me want to be your friend just that much less.

honestly. i love you, but i don't like you very much.

and this isn't even a first time occurrence. it's actually probably going to be my last attempt to ever try to meet up with you. i'm so sick and tired of friends who just fail following through these plans. at least come up with a better excuse. tell me something that makes it okay for you to skip out on this plan to meet? otherwise, it just feels like you don't want to see me and if that's the case, then stop agreeing to meet up. we can stop being friends, it might make me feel a little better if we weren't friends anymore. being friends means i work pretty hard to keep in touch, know how you're doing and trying to tune into those times when you might need me. not being friends means i can just stop giving a crap about anything that goes on in your life.

i can only go 50% in the friendship, you need to provide the other half. right now, i'm pulling about 78% and i don't think i should be hauling an extra 28% for no reason. it's getting to be tiring, and frankly i'm starting to resent you for it.

so we'll still be friends, but i'm cutting myself to the 10% acquaintance level until you figure yourself out. if you don't think our friendship is worth it, fine. let me know, i'll gladly reallocate that 10% to someone new.

i guess this makes it less of a pet peeve and more of a deal breaker. i need to find a friend who can come through in even the little things. but i'm starting to get really frustrated as so far, most of the people i know have yet been able to reach even that basic skill of "keeping your word" and to be honest, it's just easier not being friends with anyone.

i'm tired. i'm leaning heavily to the easier side. i can learn to live as a hermit. stupid cat videos on youtube will be my only friend. cause that crap is never gonna die.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Thursday December 9th, 2010

it's 2 days until my birthday.
i want a stand mixer, a food processor, a silpat, a pastry brush and a candy thermometer.

i made hot chocolate today with a swiss miss packet... or something. i forgot the name of the company. anyway, it's just the individual packets without the box (because i feel like having the box around is just a waste of space. i'll use a packet, and then it'll be replaced by air. essentially, i have a box holding air for me. like i said, a waste of space). i was reading the packet, though, and realized that under the great "Swiss Miss" sign with the mountains on the background, it says "hot chocolate flavor."

hot chocolate flavor. flavor? what?

this had me thinking... does hot chocolate flavor indicate something? that there isn't actually chocolate in there, just little chocolate flavored powder. but not actual chocolate. of course, this made some sense because i assume chocolate flavored powder probably lasts longer than chocolate itself and melts much more quickly in hot water.

but i'm getting tired of eating chemicals. sure, it tastes just like the real thing but in the end, the problem is, it's not the real thing. just because my tongue has been tricked by the chemical poser flavors doesn't mean i'm going to be happy about it. like, if you gave me thin shards of glass covered in potato chip flavoring and i ate it, then it's nice that i thought it was a potato chip but you know what just happened? i freakin ate glass. i'm going to die.

the hot chocolate flavoring, of course, isn't as extreme. or else swiss miss wouldn't do really well in the cocoa flavored drink world, but i'm still not happy that i drank flavored powder when i wanted hot chocolate.

how do i solve this?
make my own hot chocolate. which i will do, with homemade marshmallows as well. i won't be drinking any of it (except once, as a trial run) but i will probably be giving it away for holiday gift giving so that'll be fun :) and it'll be real chocolate. i hope it's real. please don't eat glass.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

NaNoWriMo ended, now what?

with NaNoWriMo now over and my story, although 50k+, still incomplete, will i ever be motivated to continue writing? one day. i'll have to pick up the story line again and do a ridiculous ton of editing, but i like the concept behind the story so i'll def have to get back to it.

in other news, nothing new from the PC yea :/ i really really really really hope i get in. if i don't, i can honestly say i don't know what else to do with my life at this moment... so i guess i'll work on some goals for 2011:

1. for december and january, review spanish (language and medical language)
2. remove all processed sugars (e.g. candy) and carbs (e.g. bread) from my diet, see how that works for my energy level and general fitness
3. volunteer somewhere. it's only going to be for a month or two, but i'm getting tired of not doing anything for the community i live in.

that's all for now.