Monday, November 21, 2011

day 163: EIST next week, but Thanksgiving before then!

Hello my lovely readers!

So, my last blog post was super sad and a total debby downer, but I'll have you know that it's no longer so!

Well, sort of.

I got myself a weekend in Trujillo after hell week 2 and I'll just say... it added to the series of stories and experiences that I am slowly but surely collecting here in Perú. Seriously though, the States just feel so boring after all the craziness that has happened in my short time here! VIVA PERU.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this week! Sadly, it's the aniversario of my site on the day of Thanksgiving. Yes, I do want to celebrate my aniversario and a lot of people are super psyched about it here, but sadly I will be disappointing them. I love my site, I love the people here, but I really miss my friends...

Ah well, I'll celebrate the aniversario next year! It'll be fine~

But en serio, I'm mega pumped. Thanksgiving back home was all about family. It was the one time of the year that my entire family (or at least those who are in Cali) would meet up for food and drink, and just to be in each other's company. I associate Thanksgiving with family, so being thousands of miles away is hard. It sucked in college, but I think it'll suck less here.

In college, everyone left to go home. People lived close enough that they could drive or take the bus. I loved my family, but couldn't see spending money I didn't have for a plane ticket back. Thanksgiving was spent with those friends who were in the same situation as I was, and all of us were mildly miserable because of it.

Here, though, all of us are volunteers! We're here because we want to be (although cash might still be a part of that) and a whole bunch of us are gonna get together to create that family time among ourselves.

Good enough for me!

So I'm in the midst of planning our generally itinerary. Now entirely sure how much of that I'll be following myself, but I'm going to try my darn best.

Mostly I'm hoping that I'm not going to get to Thanksgiving totally ill because I'm not sleeping much, going outside, or eating well at the moment.

Kind of stressed. I still have this community diagnostic going on, but there are tons of things on my mind right now, and I am finding it really difficult to focus on collating data... I am still finding it difficult to even communicate what's on my mind. I've never been really good at that to begin with, anyway. I really enjoy talking to others and listening to their problems, but I just can't seem to do the same to others. I don't like unloading my thoughts and worries to burden others. I can't figure out why, especially because I highly encourage people to call me when they need an ear. For some reason, I can't seem to put... I don't know, would it be trust? Can I not trust others? That might be it.

I don't even know. I gotta work on that part of my life, probably.

Anyway, yea. So next week is training with the PC and I have to finish up my diagnostic for that. I just talked to someone today, actually, who mentioned that there's a jail that has been abandoned for almost 3 or so years now. I want to talk to the police station to ask what their plans are for that space. If they're going to renovate it, alright, but if there's no plan... I could totally aprovechar that space and start a kick ass youth center!

Wishful thinking, most likely. I doubt they'd let me just take such a huge, amazing open space... but a girl can dream, right?

Alright, back to the grind.
Exhausted but happy.
Love you all.

and Peace and Love!

Monday, November 14, 2011

day 156: crashing and burning... oh the humanity...

Last weekend, a volunteer in my province held a youth camp for kids from all over. There were more or less 40 kids being kids for 3 days and 2 nights. They were given various lectures and workshops, and a lot of fun stuff was thrown into the mix, and being a whole bunch of adolescents camping together, they were surprisingly well behaved.

More or less.

Last week, however, was super stressful for me. I was not only trying to get stuff done for my community diagnostic, but I also had my site visit (director of the youth program in Peru came to visit my site and observe me. She's super chill and the visit went really well, but doesn't mean having my boss visit me at work and home wasn't stressful!), I was trying to get everything ready for this camp (I found out the Sunday before that this camp was actually happening and had less than a few days to go to my municipality and ask for money for the camp, talk to the kids who were interested in the camp, talk to their parents, deal with kids calling and not calling, deal with kids not going and finding other kids who were interested in going, run around like a chicken with its head cut off, talk to the local bakery to see if they would be willing to donate bread, and so on... it was just god awful... but it got done!), and I was asked to teach at a second school all week, adding to my teaching already in another school and the comedor. On top of that, I had my normal weekly things, like meetings and such, so yea...

I was seconds from screaming and all it seemed that everyone else was doing was either adding to my pile of work or just disappointing me with bad news.

Still, the camp was a success (my emotions got the better of me for a moment there and there were about 5 seconds worth of tears, but I got my act under control pretty quickly) because it seems like the kids learned a lot and benefited from their time away from their homes, and in the company of new friends. The kids who went with me from my site have asked me to tell the other kids HELLO! but I have no idea who these other kids really are... so I just told them that yea, I totally would... pretty sure I'm totally not.

This week is round 2 of my most stressful week in my time in Peru. It kind of sucks that my 2 most stressful weeks are one right after the other, with a weekend of work instead of rest in between. I am definitely feelings its effects too. On top of that, this is the week before the week of Thanksgiving, which means a whooollleee lot of disappointment and frustration are going to be headed my way (I've made reservations for all the volunteers who are going to come up for thanksgiving, but I've already had a whole bunch cancel on me during stressful week round 1, and already more are cancelling this stressful week round 2. I expected it, though, so at least I have that... ah well, at least a ton of people I really miss are still coming up! So I'll still get a family that I love to be with during this Thnxgiving).

I think I really need a drink.

I've also more or less given up on NaNoWriMo. I just can't do it. There's too much going on right now, and none of it feels very good anymore. It would be pretty awesome to finish, but I have to get my priorities straight.

But I can truly say that right now, I am not happy. It's not a good feeling, and something I'm definitely not used to, and I just feel terrible... I don't think I deal with unhappiness very well. It's as if I can't just feel upset or sad, I have to feel intensely depressed. I have so much to do right now, but it took almost all of my energy to just get out of bed this morning. I have zero patience for anyone, and I was teaching English at the comedor and when it hit 5, class was over but the activity wasn't. The kids, however, weren't paying attention so I just grabbed my things and left. No goodbyes, no threats, nothing. I just grabbed my things and walked out because I was too tired to try calming them down so that we could finish what we were doing. I went home and tried to watch cartoons, which usually make me feel better, but ended up passing out in bed until my alarm (thank God I set it) woke me up for a meeting, which was 2 annoying hours long and I was squirming/falling asleep through the entire thing. My host mom goes to these meetings with me and she was just making everything take longer than it should, which she normally does, and when she asked me to go with her and another person because they needed to do stuff, I just looked at her and went "no."

Well, not entirely, I did explain that I was exhausted and needed to sleep. But still, I have lost all patience with people. Whenever it feels like someone's wasting my time, all I can think is, "I hate you" and nothing else. Because of this, I've had this continuous headache too. Well, the headache started last Friday, but I've been medicating myself steadily with ibuprofen and acetaminophen- definitely not good, but the only way I'm gonna get through the day.

Bah. All I do is complain. Sorry about that. Just needed to jot this down before bed, or else it would have plagued me all night. Now I'm going to go and pass out for a few hours before I wake up again and teach some more.

Great.

Love and Peace. I'm gonna need some more of those.

Monday, November 7, 2011

day 149: i'm procrastinating. it's what i do.

Second post of the day, simply because I'm procrastinating and not doing any of the things I'm supposed to be doing.

Like my community diagnostic.

Womp womp.

It's just that there's a big difference between what I want to do and what I have to do. When those things don't match up, usually want trumps have. This is probably the reason why my GPA went dooowwwn the drain in college.

Yes, Professor. I do understand that this will be on the exam. Have I learned it? No, it's boring. I did, however, really enjoy this other part that is probably going to be maybe 1 question. But I know it super well. Is that alright? You're gonna fail me? So I guess it wasn't alright. Ok then.

Ah well.

Speaking of grades, I've been thinking about my future after Peace Corps.

Yea, yea, I've only been here for like 2 months now, but still. I can't help but wonder what I'm going to be like, what my LIFE is going to be like afterwards.

What do I want? Well, when I was in college, I wanted to be a doctor. I was taking all the prerequisite classes, doing all those things that soon to be doctors are supposed to during their undergrad and then... well, and then I realized I really didn't enjoy a lot of those classes, my grades were crashing and burning, and I just didn't know WHY I was trying to be a doctor.

I realized, I really enjoy the field of health- people fascinate me, hospitals fascinate me, but I just really didn't understand it and a lot of things didn't seem to work, but I couldn't understand why.

So instead of trying to apply to medical school and jumping through loop after loop after loop, I am trying to find another way to do what I want to do in life- help people.

It's why I joined the Peace Corps. Well, that's a lie. I joined because I wanted to go and DO something. I spent years of my life, sitting under fluorescent lights and listening to teachers go on and on about how other people have done and were doing these amazing things. Sometimes, I was challenged to think. Other times, I was challenged to remember copious amounts of information that meant nothing to me and then word vomit them back onto paper or some exam.

I'm not ragging on teachers, mind you. They deserve all the praise in the world, and more. (Also, more money. Teachers, like good high school teachers, should be paid tons more) Had it not been for all the influential teachers in my life, I would never have made this decision to be where I am right now. It's just that after a while, being given copious amounts of information without actually USING any of it... it gets tiring. And I got tired pretty quickly. Somewhere around my sophmore/junior year, I realized- this sucks. I love school, I love learning, but what the hell am I going to do with all this information now in my head? I'm going to learn it, appreciate it for a moment, repeat everything you just told me back to you to prove that I read it, and then... and then I'm going to forget it next year because I'm doing all of this all over again.

So I just gave up on the repetition part. I learned it, retained what I found interesting and what I believed would be useful to me later in life, and forgot the rest. I took classes just to see if I might like it, and if I didn't? Finished it anyway and failed miserably. But you know what? It was an experience. I managed to expose myself to subjects I didn't need to do, because my major didn't require it. But who cares if my major required it or not? I would never have the opportunity to take these courses again, so I might as well take them.

That's what college was for me. An experience. It was a chance to just listen to what people had to say, to learn more about things that simply existed in this world. It didn't matter to me if I learned it or not. I don't read books to memorize every line, page by page. I read for pleasure. I get the general idea of a story, and I move on with my life. Sometimes these stories come back to me and I can apply them to a situation. My classes were just like books to me.

It's also why my grades took a plunge and went diving off the deep end. I probably should have taken easier classes (why'd I take Linear Algebra my senior year? I asked myself the same question. I answered, why not?) and fewer credits (minimum credits needed per semester was 12, the average was 15, I took 22... again, why? because I wasn't there to be scored, I was there to experience. Oh, and why not?) but I didn't. I wasn't being a smart premed kid, strategically working the system to get that allusive 4.0. Oh no, I was being... well, being me.

Being me never really works out all that well.

Anyway, now I'm trying to figure out what I want in life, and I realize that I want more schooling.

I know, right? wtf.

But seriously, I want to go back to school. Not to be a doctor, but to continue working in the field of health. I want to pursue a Masters in Hospital Administration (MHA). It's like the business aspect of health, if you want the short version of it.

I really like organizing things. I'm a big picture kind of person. And I'm still curious about how the health system works, and why parts of it don't seem to work.

Beyond that? I know nothing. I want to know more.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure my GPA's going to keep me out of most schools. Still, I guess I'm hoping at least someone will take a chance on me. We'll see. We'll hope and pray as well.

IN OTHER NEWS I'm at 7.3k words in nanowrimo, thanks to an empty saturday. It's 10pm and I still haven't organized my survey results. Woops. Gotta get on that.

Hope all is well on your end of the world, dear friend.
Love and Peace.

Sincerely,
Sue

(that's my nanowrimo name, btw. If you're participating, add me: sincerely_sue)

day 149: get baked (no really, like a cookie or something)

Dear friends,

I am having some major withdrawal. No, not from the usual vices that you may be thinking of (e.g. sex, drugs, rock and roll) but from something that I used to do so much more often back in the states:

Baking.

I love baking. Pies, cakes, scones, cupcakes, cookies, bread, all of it (check out my fb photos if you want some step by step instructions of delicious things I have baked. They're easy steps and you'll totally love me for the recipes). If it goes in the oven, I want to try my hand at it. Which is why, now that I'm living in a house with no oven, I am finding myself rolling around the floor in angst.

What's worse is that it's FALL. It's prime baking season, people. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas- these three months are my favorite because it gave me a chance to bake as much as I wanted without a shortage of ingredients in the stores (spices are always well stocked, as are canned pumpkin puree and molasses).

Now I'm in Peru, where most people celebrate Día de la Canción Criolla instead of Halloween and Thanksgiving doesn't happen. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS, which is one of my favorites so at least I've got that. Plus, my site is pretty Catholic so it should be tons of fun.

Still, I need an oven. There are these 'bubble ovens' that exist around here. They're electric, the temperature can't be controlled, but it offers heat! In an enclosed space! That's all I need! Now where to find it...

Tricky.

I'll have to keep looking, I guess.

Another thing I can't find are ingredients. You know baking soda? That thing you buy in an orange box with that bald dude on it? That thing you put in your fridge a few years back and totally forgot about because you don't use it that often and whatever, it's cheap? Yea, you have to buy those in these tiny, mildly expensive packages at the pharmacy here. If I want to bake a cookie, I need to go to the pharmacy. For serious.

All I want to do is bake. I want to cut cold butter (also kind of difficult to find here. It's all spreadable margarine. I don't like margarine. It's crap.) into flour. I want to let dough rise in a warm area. I want to roll out pastry dough. I want to let berries macerate in sugar. I want to whisk butter and sugar until fluffy. I want to glaze things.

I just wanna bake...

SIGH.

So yea, I'm always begging people for letters and packages (to be quite frank, I get really really jealous of other volunteers here who seem to get a package of assorted goods almost every week. I understand why my friends don't send them, since a lot of y'all are working to make a living and sending me a package is too much of a pricey burden, plus when people ask, I don't encourage them to send me things because they could probably use that cash to do other things but that doesn't stop me from being really sad and jealous and really really really wanting ppl to send those packages anyway...)

But for serious. I like getting packages. I know, it seems silly for me to be that ecstatic about getting some candy or spices or baking stuff (like a whisk? anyone?) in the mail, but I DO. And I honestly appreciate it so very, freakin much...

Bah, but it's not necessary. Don't send me anything. Maybe a letter, because I do love letters. Or do? Send me a package! NO don't do that.

Do or don't, I guess is the message...
brought to you by my ever conflicted brain.

Ah well, sorry for turning this blog entry into a begging festival. Won't happen again. Thanks for reading though :) I laugh a lot when I check my blog stats and I'm getting random people from like Russia sent to my blog from some weird website. So for that:

Добро пожаловать на мой блог!


Thank you google translate.

Anyway, hope you weren't too annoyed by my silly plea for unnecessary things. Guess I've just been kind of stressed and lonely lately, and packages and letters are a nice reminder that someone back in the states still remembers that I'm here : /

Hey, also, remember that part? That I'm in Peru? Yea, I totally am. Again, send me your address and I'll write as soon as I can! Plus, Christmas is coming up, and giving gifts is one of my greatest pleasures <3

THAT'S CALLED A BRIBE. SEND ME SOMETHING AND I'LL SEND YOU SOMETHING BACK.

Ahhhh, good times.
Love and Peace.




Thursday, November 3, 2011

day 145: it's november!

'Sup amigitos,

So the month of November has made its way towards us, and this means a few things to me:

1. National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org) is upon us! I participated last year and got some noveling done. My story from last year isn't finished, as I spaced and stopped writing once the month was over, but whatevs. So the whole point of NaNoWriMo is to write 50,000 words. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, and editing is not encouraged. Basically, for all of those would-be writers out there who just need to START something, this is it! It's all about quantity, and for someone like me who never quite knows how to expand on her ideas, this is just the charge you need to get your brain juices flowing and thinking creatively. I highly encourage you to do this! Sign up online and friend me : D I know of a few Volunteers who are taking part in this activity, which is great becaauuusssee....

2. We have our Community Diagnostic due! By the end of this month, I need to present a document that details  my diagnosis of San Pedro de Lloc. I tell people I'm in the process of sorting data and things from my surveys, but to be honest- that process sort of fizzled out after month 1... I gotta kick it back into gear and just get it done and over with. It should probably take me a solid week, actually, to write it all up once I get the data entered into my excel sheet. It's just... boring. I'd rather write my novel. Still, the results'll be interesting so I guess I'll have to get through the boring part so I can get to the fun analysis bit.

3. Totally off the theme of writing is Thanksgiving! I'm so elated to know that so many 17ers are coming to join me! yaaaay! Pictures are totally going to be epic, btw. Yea, get excited about that.

4. It's almost December! And December is my favorite month of the year! I should probably wait until at least after Thanksgiving to start blasting the Xmas music but... 

Yea, so that's what's up in November. 

Other quick updates: 
I've got this idea for a youth center in my head, and it's not shaking so I'm gonna see a gal about that. I've also started corresponding through letters with a school in Oklahoma called Noble High. There's a teacher there who I'll be working with, and we're hoping to set up a pen-pal kind of thing with some kids I have in my site. So hopefully this goes well!

I feel so useless right now, though. I just don't feel like I should start any projects around here until the new year. A lot of kids I know are going to be graduating in a little over a month and there's gonna be a new group of kids who I'm going to get to know then as well. Is it bad that I just don't feel like starting something when I know it's not going to last? Sucks, cause the kids would probably really enjoy it, but whaddyagonnado? 

Well, I'm going to go write some more. Here's a short excerpt of my current novel to give you an idea of my fiction writing style. Maybe you can help me with some ideas? I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this story, but I figure we'll just wait and see :)

ENJOY:
The figure of a small, thin framed boy could be seen crouched on the edge of the roof of an abandoned building. One slender arm was wrapped around his malnourished legs, while the other held tight a smaller figure beside him; dark, brooding eyes scanned the city below. His knuckles whitened under the dirt that covered him as he clenched his legs tightly to his body, pulling the bundled figure besides him even closer, and willing the hunger to subside. He had always been hungry, had always assumed the constant pain in his belly was just a part of him, but he had never gone more than a few days without at least a piece of molded bread to hold him off until he could think of some way to get more.

He had also never crossed The Meek before, either. Now, not only had he not eaten for at least a week, but he also had members of The Meek searching for his fatigued body.

No, not his. They were searching for his sister.

He looked at the swathed figure beside him and gently brushed the matted, gnarly hair of the child. She had been theirs, but he had saved her from them. Now he had to find food for them both.
Another dull throb of pain from his belly swept through him and he clenched his teeth, trying to swallow but finding his mouth too dry to complete the action. He licked his lips to no avail and returned to gazing at the city before him. He had been in hiding these past few days, but he couldn’t just sit there and wait for The Meek or Death to find him. Forcing his hands to unclench, he slowly stretched out his legs and gently shook the wrapped child.

“Time to go, Momo,” he called her gently, nudging the bundle once more, “it’s time to fly.” Large, sleepy eyes peeked out of the ratty blanket and looked up at him. “Ready?”

With a slow thoughtful blink, Emily Crow nodded, unwrapped herself, and settled the sullied cloth around her shoulders. Jackson held out his dirt caked hand and grabbed ahold of hers before they eyed the edge of the roof, took a running leap, and jumped with arms outstretched into the city night.

that's all I got for now!
LOVE AND PEACE Y'ALL
<3