day 1

so, i tried to fast for a few days. i don't think it's doing me any good... i'm trying to tell myself it's all spiritual but really, i don't know. all i feel is hungry :\

and i've been reading the bible but all i get is more questions. bah, whatever happened to blindly believing whatever your parents told you? do you remember that? when i was but a child, it didn't matter what science or the rest of the world said. if my parents told me i could touch the moon, then i could. there was no doubt in what they thought, only doubt that i'd be able to do it right then. but later, if and when i really wanted to... yea, i could do it.

now all i have is fear and doubt. i'm too frightened of my grades so i don't check them. i'm too frightened of not being able to succeed, so i don't try. i'm too frightened of being in a perpetual state of loneliness, so i refuse to be anything but friend and even then, i'm just super awkward and i don't like to make eye contact.

and i want to be a doctor? how'm i supposed to do that? ugh.
but you know what? whatever. i'm happy for the most part. i have friends and family to love, and i hope dearly that they love me. goodness knows i try my best. i think in all this trying though, i haven't been able to figure out who i am. i know i'm kind of a chameleon. i'm always moderating or agitating or subduing or whatever-ing myself to provide a balance around people. and i'm so awful at one on one, i don't know how to mediate that cause conversation and feelings only go in two directions. i'm so much more comfortable around just myself or 2+ cause then it doesn't really require me. all it requries is that i make sure everyone else is alright, and it's insanely easier than focusing on one person and how my actions are affecting that one person. that's hard.

it's day 3 of my fast, and i'm pretty sure i broke it but i'll forgive myself for that... if there's one thing i've learned the last few years of my life, it's that if i don't forgive myself for the failures i've accrued... well, then there's just no living with me cause i just get that much more annoying and awkward and awful... alliterations are always advantageous.