this is a rant. you have been warned.

you know what annoys me?

texting.

now, i'm not saying that i don't enjoy texting. in fact, i find it very easy and convenient when i'm asking a question that doesn't really have a definite "need to know" by time. it's like dropping off a note to someone and knowing that they'll get it.

what i find annoying is when people don't text back. if it's a text with something really silly, or someone is obviously bored and just wants to drop a note to say hi, that's one thing. but when it's a question i'm asking and it's clearly not rhetorical (e.g. are you free for lunch tomorrow? is not a rhetorical question) then i expect a response. no response indicates that you are ignoring me. in which case, please be aware that i hate you. sometimes it's just a little "i hate you" and sometimes it's a big fat mother f'n "i hope you die a horrible death" kind of hate. really though, only one person i know has received the latter form (if she doesn't know it, then i hope karma runs over her fat foot and spits in her hair to let her know i say hello). maybe i'm just expressing a need to be noticed, my hatred of being ignored. then again, it could be my deep abhorrence for rudeness and crass, impolite people.

another thing i find annoying is when people don't text or call if they're about to cancel a meeting. it's just kind of dumb. it sucks when people i actually like do this to me because it makes me want to slap them or never hang out with them. ever. and then asking me at 6:55 if i got the email they sent 30 minutes ago about not being able to meet me at 7. i like the internet, but i'm not plugged into my email account 24/7. maybe emailing me when i'm already out the door, excited to meet up, is not the smartest way to do this. it's dumb. and makes me mad at you. and add another check to your list of "stupid things" which is a running tab i have on everyone i know.

but you know what? this really wouldn't be a big deal if i just didn't have friends. maybe it's having watched a dexter marathon, but i'm starting to like the idea of being a loner. i like people, mind. i love being around them and meeting up, having some good ol' social fun but sometimes, the bad parts of being a social character really start to outweigh the good parts of it. i know i hold a high standard for people, but they're all standards that are fairly simple to meet. maybe the problem is that i hold standards for them but they don't hold them for themselves. so what if you ditch one meet up with a friend because you're kinda in the mood to watch tv or chill at home alone? i mean, besides the fact that you're falling lower and lower on my scale of people i deem "good humans," nothing.

but then again, maybe you should have let them know at the start of the day. not 30 minutes before you planned to meet. a meeting that we planned a week in advance.

if i didn't feel a horrible sense of guilt at cursing, i would probably inject one here.

brief rant. in a series of haiku.

the concept behind

a significant other

makes no sense to me.

so many people

are searching for someone else,

never satisfied.

i do not want one.

no relationships for me

because i'm happy.

or maybe that's just

something i say to myself

to justify it.

but please don't tell me

that i should find a good man

cause i never will.

i live in a world

where nothing is good for me,

nothing satisfies.

i live in a world

where i am good for nothing,

i can only try.

this rant is emo

but i don't really mind it.

refrigerator.

October 9th, 2010. Captain's log.

so i was browsing around fb, checking out random things that popped up on my wall and i realized something that's been bugging me.

i have no interests.

sure, there are a lot of "info" tidbits i've typed up in that convenient little box dedicated to the bits and pieces that're supposed to give you an idea of who i am, but those interests? they're just random things i dump in there to remind myself i like them. a few people i like, my favorite animal, things i like looking at when i'm at the park... really random things. but that's just it, they're just random things i don't obsess over, just things i find interesting to a degree. what i want, though, is to find an obsession.

my 4 years of college, that obsession was almost rugby. it started off mild my first year, i got really into it my second year, and by the time i was a junior, my feelings about it definitely lost their edge. it started to become "just something" i did and had been doing for so long, it never crossed my mind to stop. the same was tennis my 4 years in high school. all my interests start off tentative, go strong, and then die pretty quickly and i just can't seem to find that one thing that's been able to sustain my interest for long. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. a little sad, i guess, with a little chagrin and acceptance thrown in for flavor.

so why does this show up now? like i said, i was looking through fb and realized that a lot of people do have obsessions- things they do and have done since they were sentient, and will probably continue with no matter how crazy their lives become. and i don't have that.

yea, i'm jealous.

i'm a college graduate who's still trying to figure out this thing called life. it's like i wasted all 4 years with my head down, slamming it into every wall put in my way because i was so callow and obstinate, gritting my teeth, refusing to look up and adjust the strain on my neck because... because i couldn't? because i was too scared that if i did, i'd find another path and then where would i be? confused, stuck, unsure. i hate those feelings. i like knowing. i like plans. i like sticking to those things i assumed were presaged and set.

and i hate realizing that i was an idiot.

so here i am. confused, stuck, unsure and trying to figure out my entire life without actually committing to anything. you know, just in case it happens again. but i figure i'll start at square one. i'm looking to find an obsession, an addiction, a corner stone in my life where i can retreat to with total confidence.

i guess i'll start learning the harmonica.

musings

i realize that i have some very strange fears. they're not crippling or irrational, per se, just strange and i'm not sure if others feel the same way that i do. an example? food trucks. but not the food borne illness i'm sure will crop up at some point since they have yet to be regulated and don't have the grading system of cleanliness that other, stationary food places have (although yes, it does weird me out). no, me? i'm worried about the walls.

a lot of times, food trucks have side panels that they prop up, thus providing an area to shelter the person who's ordering as well as opening up the side of the truck for said orders, displaying other items such as menus and drinks too. my fear is that when i'm standing under one, the prop will shift and the side panel will come down and smack me in the face. i will become a truck and sue sandwich of pain. no one else has this fear? every time i stand under the metal awning, i get really twitchy and i always stand semi facing away from the truck so that if it does happen, i'll have at least a second to try and protect my head, either with my shoulder taking the brunt of the force or my hands somehow stopping the death trap from snapping shut by doing some major kung fu master zen lightning trick in which my reflexes grab the frame before it falls.

i don't think this is neurotic. i think it's a rational fear. just think about it. you're standing with your back facing toward and under a fairly heavy door, propped open by a thing piece of metal. no? not rational? shut up. it is.

another fear i have, after having discussed a bit about superpowers with stevie, and having now seen episode 1 of haven, is superpower failure. this fear is definitely irrational, particularly because i do not have any superpowers. i just really wish i did. but if i did, i would hate one that would really suck if it suddenly stopped working at a really inconvenient time. i mean, you know how in all these stories, powers suddenly show up, right? like, the person usually hasn't had the power since s/he was a baby and thus, grows up with it while learning how to control it like how a child learns to speak or walk. no, the power happens suddenly when the person is under some sort of stress or something and suddenly BAM! what was that? oh SNAP, i have powers!

so if it can turn on so suddenly... what's to stop it from turning off suddenly too? maybe it's not genetic, maybe it had to do with the weirdness of the environment (e.g. radiation, star alignment, etc.) so when the weirdness ends, wouldn't the powers end too? or maybe it is genetic and it kicked in at puberty or something, when you're body's changing but hey, at some point your body stops doing things it did naturally before (e.g. menopause, hair loss, etc.) so again, what if your powers are affected too? see what i mean?

so what's the fear? well, let's say you have a power like invisibility. what would happen if while you're invisible, the on switch suddenly turns off and you're stuck like that FOREVER? maybe that's what happened to the invisible man. or if you could travel through walls, and BOOM switched off mid way. now you've lost your leg and thank god you were already mostly through the wall before it turned off. if your head had been caught in there... well, now your brain is part of the atoms of the wall. isn't that freaky!?

which is why if i had a superpower, i would want one in which, if they did suddenly turn off, it'd be ok. like flight. or the ability to control weather. if i got stuck while flying, it really wouldn't be a problem. i could mingle with crowds and pretend to walk (but actually be levitating... i'd just have to be careful where it was muddy cause i wouldn't leave tracks) or if i controlled the weather and let's say it got turned off while i was making it rain. too bad for the people who live in the area cause the place just turned into a swamp and another weird wonder of the world, but meh. we have technology, i just move away and the end. the only power i would want and still be willing to risk failure at an inopportune moment that would suck would be the ability to control time. only because if i got stuck in some really weird time period, there would obviously be a reason why i was there in the first place so i probably wouldn't mind. but let's say the power stopped while i was in the middle of trying to get to another time period and my atoms were scattered through all the time between the first point where i left and the point where i was headed, thus ending my sentient life and essentially turning me into a lot of scattered carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and so on. or my atoms remained in tact, but i got stuck in another time period that i didn't want to be. if the latter, i'd probably still survive and be ok with it. if the former... see, i want this power so much, i don't think i'd mind.

but honestly? i don't have powers. so why am i worrying about the hazards of superpowers that i will never have? since this is an "in my dreams" kind of wish, why can't i just also make it so that in my imaginary world, powers don't fail and are unnecessary to fight crime cause everyone's awesome. also, i rule over the world and delicious food like strawberry cheesecake or garlic bread smothered in butter isn't bad for you, but actually helps my body get strong and fit so that i can ride my horse with wings in the champion races to honor me and totally win due to the awesomeness of my horse and my skills and not just because i rule the world with an iron yet benevolent fist.

i don't know why. like i said. my fears are really strange.

it's a brand new day

so, i'm trying to break this "ignoring of my blog" thing that i've been doing for a while. i don't know about you, but i'm the kind of person who starts a diary, writes like 2 or 3 days worth of stuff, quit and eventually start a new one. i think i have had like 5 diaries in my lifetime, and i've never written anything inquisitive or clever or interesting. mostly, they've been along the lines of "dear diary, today i didn't do much and it was pretty boring. oh, but there was this one thing that was interesting so that was pretty cool. but besides that, my day was just like yesterday"

-.-

pretty sad, but basically true. now, however, i feel like things should be different. not that they will be, mind. i just feel like they should. why? well- i just graduated from cornell (yay '10) and i'm months away from (hopefully) joining the peace corps. i still need to turn in all my medical things though, which has proved to be difficult primarily cause it's gonna be expensive and with loans that i still need to pay off lined up behind me, i don't know how i'm going to afford all of this. yikes. but in any case, it'll definitely get done before the end of the month!

my thoughts these days reside mostly on what i'm going to do between now and when i leave in february, along with what the heck my life is going to be like once i return from the pc. i realized as of late that i'm a much more competitive person than i used to think i was. i mean, before in high school, my competitive side was more like a competitive sliver. i didn't really care who won, as long as i was alright and i could do whatever i could to help my friends do well. the feeling carried along in college but i think cornell cut out a chunk of those feelings. i mostly feel these days like i'm competing with everyone to have a better life. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm not saving the world, then everyone else must be doing something more with their lives than mine and i'm losing. where does this feeling come from? i love the fact that most of my friends have plans, are working towards their futures by going to schools for ph.d/m.d./m.b.a/insert degree here or traveling in order to figure out their lives, but i admit that their ability to have a certainty in their life goals definitely brings out a jealous part of me... a part of me that wishes i could be more like them. and then the other, independent, stubborn side of me immediately slaps that other side upside the head and tells it to shut up cause its face is ugly. yea. that side of me is kind of mean.

still, i do believe that i want to ultimately receive an m.h.a. and one day, run my own hospital... but where do i get this kind of experience prior to actually getting the masters degree? if i want an mha, is there a hospital around that'll let me follow their administration? i have no idea, and i don't know where to even start asking. ai ya. i'll figure it out though, i'm sure of it!

in other news, i baked a lemon pound cake. my parents won't eat it cause it's too tart and sweet. i will attempt to devour it, and hope my time at the gym helps mitigate the damage.

dream 2

dream last night again, this one was kind of sad...

someone else and i were helping amelia carry books from a library located on the 3rd floor to her car, parked in the basement parking lot. as we are ferrying books back and forth, i realize that eventually, i'm the only one doing all the work (amelia and the second person suddenly stop showing up, so it's what i assumed). as i was carrying another load of books, my phone goes off but i can't answer it cause my hands are tied. i drop off the books, and check my phone to find that stevie has sent me a HUGE text. it starts off:

"here's the key:
1. everything that's been completed since colors
2. things that have been going on are grey
3. (i forgot what this one was... had to do with another color though)

so every since 1, i've found out that
1. brad died due to complications with (some kind of) cancer surgery
2. (i don't remember the rest of the text message)"

anyway, the thing went on and on and on cause i scrolled through it really fast without reading. i remember that whatever point 2 was, it took 4 texts to read it, but i only remember the colors thing cause it didn't make sense even in my dream, and point 1 under that cause... wth? brad's dead? and it made me really really sad... and confused why that was just a little point, and wondering how stevie was doing with that news. unfortunately, i woke up at this point in a coughing fit because i am sick as a dog.

you know when the dentist injects novacaine in your mouth and then tells you not to talk but you do it anyway cause it's kind of funny? and then it wears off and you realize, you've been chewing on your own tongue for the last 30 minutes and everything in your mouth hurts?
that's what my mouth feels like, except, my gums are swollen and it hurts to swallow.

weird.

dream

had a dream last night. i was back at the rugby house, and assuming no one was home, i went down to the kitchen to grab some food. put some rice in the microwave and suddenly, had a craving for chicken. so for some reason, i grabbed a frozen chicken from the freezer and stuck it in the george forman grill thing we have. as it's cooking, i hear jess's voice from upstairs yelling "what is that smell? are you using some herb spiced marinade or something?" and i yell back "yea"

at this point, i am lying about the fact that i am cooking chicken and i'm frantic that no one knows, but i am still cooking said chicken. the rice is done and i pack them into these cupcake tins, the chicken is done and i toss it on the cupcake tined rice. as i'm trying to clean up the grill, kel comes downstairs and starts talking to me. i am adamant that they not know i am eating chicken and start coming up with lies in my head in case they ask. i decide that if they do, i'll tell them it's not chicken, it's seitan and they simply have no idea what it is...

then my dream skips and it's my wedding. yup, i'm apparently getting married and to who? not a clue. but i did have on a big white fluffy dress, and i don't know where my husband went, but apparently after the wedding, it was time for pictures! and wherever my wedding was at, it was freakin gorgeous: a beautiful and awe-inspiring old building, fireworks in the background and water up front. my dad starts snapping pictures of me as i'm walking along the edge, around the water. then my mom comes up with my aunts and others in tow, grabs my hand and starts running towards this boat and it's like cinderella's pumpkin carriage but on water. there are a couple of them, my dad and mom and i (along with a few others i don't see) get into one and as it drifts off into the water, there are tourists visiting the old building and the area waiting in line to either get in the building or ride one of these boats (i'm not sure) and they start applauding me.

it was an interesting dream, only because i assume i will probably never get married. oh, and i'm a flexitarian. why am i trying to not only hide the fact that i'm eating chicken, but... why am i trying to eat it in the first place? it was definitely not a sustainable and local chicken.

huh. i love that my weird dreams are back. hope for more!