day 407: future trepidations

Hey Friends,

So I'm going to chuck a load of mind thoughts on here right now. Ready? K. Here we go:

I've been thinking about the future. Not like, in the timey, spacey, in the year 3000 future but the immediate, less than a year from now, what is my life going to be- future. I'm 24 years old and I still can't figure out what I want to do. Since forever, I wanted to be a doctor. I was going to go to medical school, learn everything about humans and diseases and all the stuff in between, and I was going to help people in a way they couldn't help themselves. 

Boom. Plan. Done.

Not so much. Around my senior year of  college, it hit me that I wasn't prepared to go to med school. I mean, sure, if someone came up to me and told me "hey, if you come to school tomorrow, you can be a medical student" I'd totally go, but you know what? It was the application process that daunted me. 

I didn't understand it. 

I know, I should have been on track since my freshman year of college- take classes that would boost my GPA, rock at the science and math courses I would need as a pre-med student, do a lot of volunteer work at the local hospital, make best friends out of all my professors to write me letters of rec, make the MCAT my bitch. Do you know how many of these things I actually did?

Ehrm. None. 

That was a dumb move. Or rather, a dumb lack of movement. I really couldn't tell you why I didn't do any of these things. I took classes that interested me, but would prove to be more difficult and involve methods of examination that I did not excel at. I didn't do so hot in my chem classes and basically failed organic chemistry. All my volunteer work revolved around working with youth or school clubs and sports but nothing involving health, I made friends with grad students who T.A'd for the professors because why bother a professor when s/he has a TA? What reason would a TA be except as a giant human sign that a professor doesn't want to be bothered by your questions? Besides, professors are rock stars... I'm a mere mortal and I don't like talking to them. And I never took the MCAT. Studied for it, but never took it. Spent a crap load of cash to take tutored courses for it, but never even signed up for it. 

Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuuumb. 

Then in my senior year, as a peer to peer counselor and a member of a school club dedicated to the minds of the students, I realized that being a doctor means living in an environment where everyone is suffering. I didn't think I had the ability to separate my empathy from my focus. 

It didn't matter though, because I joined the Peace Corps to not only give myself more time to think about all this, but to experience a new culture and to finally be DOING something, instead of just reading about stuff in a book. 

But now my Peace Corps service is passing its 1 year mark and in a few months, I'm going to have to start applying for schools again or looking for a job. I don't know what to do. I don't know what my learning has prepared me for. 

I have, however, figured out one thing that I'm really good at. 

I'm a boss. 

Yea, in every sense of the word. Haha, no, but seriously- I'm good at listening, offering advice when it's asked for, I'm good at editing other people's work, getting someone motivated and moving forward, I'm good at knowing silly facts and being intrigued by advances made in not just science but specifically in regards to health and humans, and I can pet an adorable animal for hours on end, and I'm good at helping other people.

I suck at helping myself, though. Dear god, trying to get myself motivated feels like I'm repeatedly bashing my head up against a wall. Getting someone else moving, though? My favorite thing ever. 

So if anyone knows of any jobs or career paths out there that seems to fit my talents, let me know? Or if you have any tips on what it takes to get into med school or into a master's in public health, that'd be preeetty good information for me. 

Anywho, that's all I have time for right now. I made lunch with my host siblings today (miso sopu and kimbap. They liked it! Yay!) and tomorrow we're making tacos (woooo! cultural things!). Thanks for reading this all to the end, love you all!

Peace and Love.

Sincerely,

Sue