day 432: and boom, depression. wtf.

Friends, family, strangers,

I'm not feeling so great.
No, no, no, I haven't yet been invited to the world of parasites and gastrointestinal discomforts as my other volunteer friends have (we're hoping for a parasite of some kind though, preferably one I pick up in the jungle that no one knows about and it gives me super powers so I can fly, or become invisible, or read minds, or be able to regenerate, or become alex mack).

Alas, I'm just feeling regular down in the dumps, only the issue here is that I don't know why. Do you ever get that weird feeling? Like somehow, you just realize that no one in the world likes you. All your supposed friends actually don't care about you and are just being polite, dealing with your presence and wishing you'd just leave them alone.

I don't know. I just get this feeling, sometimes, when I'm talking to people, that they really don't want to be talking to me. I feel like a waste of space.

It's a horrid feeling. I wish it'd go away. But I'm afflicted by this emotion every few months. Back in the states, when this happened, I'd do something to get my mind off of it:

1. Bake or cook. You can't really think of things when you're trying to get a recipe right or trying to decide on whether adding slivered almonds would make a dish tastier or disgusting. Plus, you get to eat afterwards.

2. Hit the gym. Blast music on my ipod and workout so hard, I'm sweating into my eyes and I can't think of anything but how much I hurt/will hurt later.

3. Mall. Retail therapy is fun, but just looking at stuff in the mall, trying things on without any intent to buy, perusing electronics and silly gadgets, all with a smoothie or an iced coffee in hand is probably one of those cures for all maladies.

4. Drugs. No, I'm not talking about doing crack cocaine or heroine, but going to the store and picking out a nice pinot noir or trying a new german riesling I haven't had before, and just curling up with a book and a glass or 3 is nice. Sitting on a porch in the middle of winter with a mug of spiked hot chocolate or irish coffee and a cigarette. Having a cold IPA while sun bathing on the roof, my ipod blasting something fun- amazing.

5. Hanging out with friends. Being around the people I was convinced didn't like me, only to find out that actually, they're pretty pleased to be hanging with me was the best way to cure these little mini episodes of blah.

I CAN'T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS IN MY SITE! Probably explains why I'm feeling so glum. It doesn't help that it feels like so many people are leaving me. Of course, it's not personal, but I can't help but still be sad by it.

Bah. The roller coaster that is my emotions in Peace Corps continues. I don't know when I'm going to get off this ride. I'm going to go and try and make a box of mac and cheese, and then eat it all. Maybe I'll feel better then.

Maybe.

Peace and love.
< 3

p.s. next week marks my official 1 year in site! I'll be heading to Lima for our yearly med checks plus another few days of training, and possibly will be running a 10k if I can figure out how to get my registration form and money to the office in time. We'll see.