Tuesday, August 31, 2010

it's a brand new day

so, i'm trying to break this "ignoring of my blog" thing that i've been doing for a while. i don't know about you, but i'm the kind of person who starts a diary, writes like 2 or 3 days worth of stuff, quit and eventually start a new one. i think i have had like 5 diaries in my lifetime, and i've never written anything inquisitive or clever or interesting. mostly, they've been along the lines of "dear diary, today i didn't do much and it was pretty boring. oh, but there was this one thing that was interesting so that was pretty cool. but besides that, my day was just like yesterday"

-.-

pretty sad, but basically true. now, however, i feel like things should be different. not that they will be, mind. i just feel like they should. why? well- i just graduated from cornell (yay '10) and i'm months away from (hopefully) joining the peace corps. i still need to turn in all my medical things though, which has proved to be difficult primarily cause it's gonna be expensive and with loans that i still need to pay off lined up behind me, i don't know how i'm going to afford all of this. yikes. but in any case, it'll definitely get done before the end of the month!

my thoughts these days reside mostly on what i'm going to do between now and when i leave in february, along with what the heck my life is going to be like once i return from the pc. i realized as of late that i'm a much more competitive person than i used to think i was. i mean, before in high school, my competitive side was more like a competitive sliver. i didn't really care who won, as long as i was alright and i could do whatever i could to help my friends do well. the feeling carried along in college but i think cornell cut out a chunk of those feelings. i mostly feel these days like i'm competing with everyone to have a better life. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm not saving the world, then everyone else must be doing something more with their lives than mine and i'm losing. where does this feeling come from? i love the fact that most of my friends have plans, are working towards their futures by going to schools for ph.d/m.d./m.b.a/insert degree here or traveling in order to figure out their lives, but i admit that their ability to have a certainty in their life goals definitely brings out a jealous part of me... a part of me that wishes i could be more like them. and then the other, independent, stubborn side of me immediately slaps that other side upside the head and tells it to shut up cause its face is ugly. yea. that side of me is kind of mean.

still, i do believe that i want to ultimately receive an m.h.a. and one day, run my own hospital... but where do i get this kind of experience prior to actually getting the masters degree? if i want an mha, is there a hospital around that'll let me follow their administration? i have no idea, and i don't know where to even start asking. ai ya. i'll figure it out though, i'm sure of it!

in other news, i baked a lemon pound cake. my parents won't eat it cause it's too tart and sweet. i will attempt to devour it, and hope my time at the gym helps mitigate the damage.