NaNoWriMo 2010

so this is my first year attempting the nanowrimo and quite frankly, i'm elated! so, i will be blogging about my attempts through the month of november and from now until then, i'm gonna be doing the best i can to outline some sort of storyline for this, which is probably the scary part.

i have no idea if i will succeed; i've never actually written a story longer than 3 pages and attempting a 175 page novel is really gonna push my abilities. so here's to quantity and not quality!

novel ideas:

a bad guy who's actually a good guy but stuck in a bad guy role (e.g. dr. horrible)

a bad guy who does bad things in the name of good (e.g. dexter)

a good/bad guy who's actually a bad/good guy

things that make novels good:

protagonist (weak but strong), antagonist, mystery, romance, action/suspense/the unknown, protagonist's entourage, aaannndddd dunno. this was based on harry potter...hahha... oh dear.

nothing

if an atom is a collection of protons and neutrons surrounded by a cloud of electrons, and these electrons orbit the nucelus, leaving gaping spaces of nothingness in between these particles, and i am composed of gajillions of atoms, then am i also composed of more than a gajllion gaps of nothingness? wouldn't that make me, predominately, nothing?

and what is nothing? if that nothingness actually exists, is it a thing? would that be a paradox? nothing existing as a thing? if nothing is the absence of thing (that is, no thing), then there is literally nothing between these electrons and nucleus, right? what is smaller than an electron? is there anything smaller than an electron? if there is nothing that exists between the spaces between electrons, then how can that even be fathomed?

i seriously can't wrap my head around the idea of nothingness. how can there just be... nothing? it's just a space. literally a space with nothing in it. how can i be composed of so much nothing? i heard that if you took all the atoms of mankind and squished it all together, it would come to about the size of a sugar cube. how insane is that?! if that's true, then we are predominately nothing, but if that's true, then wtf? how can there so much of me and yet, so little?

freakin blows my mind.

dream, easy interp: i'm freaking out.

had a dream last night, saw a bunch of people i knew from college. we were all floating on those inflated circle tube things and i think we were at some sort of amusement park. everyone was chatting and having fun, and suddenly the waves got really murky/sandy and i notice that the flow has increased and the waves have increased in both size and frequency.

i'm starting to flail around because i'm separating from the group, and as i'm trying but failing to swim closer to the others, everyone else just starts to notice the change in water, when suddenly BOOM! a giant wave and the water level sinks, no, crashes and drains away, like flushing a toilet. suddenly the land is dry, everyone is in disarray and there's a difference in the landscape. rather than the flat sand with the shallow water, there's a deep chasm and everyone i know is in the hole below and i'm stuck on the top ledge.

i'm frightened by the difference and being so away from everyone else, being separated from the group, and so i scramble down but the way down is littered with people climbing to get where i was and even though i'm trying to get down carefully, calling ahead and asking people to move out of the way, as i'm climbing down, two hands grab my legs and i freak- i'm going to fall. so i start shouting at them to let go! let go! let go! and now i'm being pulled down. when just as suddenly

i'm free. the hands let go, and i can feel support under me as some people gently help me down. they tell me two kids were grabbing me and as i look out, i can see them scampering away into the crowd again.

the support came from the parents of some people who i didn't see there, but know. as they're walking down with me, they're asking me all these questions about what i'm doing, where i'm going, if i have plans for my future, how my family is doing, etc.

and these questions frighten me more than the fall.

this is a rant. you have been warned.

you know what annoys me?

texting.

now, i'm not saying that i don't enjoy texting. in fact, i find it very easy and convenient when i'm asking a question that doesn't really have a definite "need to know" by time. it's like dropping off a note to someone and knowing that they'll get it.

what i find annoying is when people don't text back. if it's a text with something really silly, or someone is obviously bored and just wants to drop a note to say hi, that's one thing. but when it's a question i'm asking and it's clearly not rhetorical (e.g. are you free for lunch tomorrow? is not a rhetorical question) then i expect a response. no response indicates that you are ignoring me. in which case, please be aware that i hate you. sometimes it's just a little "i hate you" and sometimes it's a big fat mother f'n "i hope you die a horrible death" kind of hate. really though, only one person i know has received the latter form (if she doesn't know it, then i hope karma runs over her fat foot and spits in her hair to let her know i say hello). maybe i'm just expressing a need to be noticed, my hatred of being ignored. then again, it could be my deep abhorrence for rudeness and crass, impolite people.

another thing i find annoying is when people don't text or call if they're about to cancel a meeting. it's just kind of dumb. it sucks when people i actually like do this to me because it makes me want to slap them or never hang out with them. ever. and then asking me at 6:55 if i got the email they sent 30 minutes ago about not being able to meet me at 7. i like the internet, but i'm not plugged into my email account 24/7. maybe emailing me when i'm already out the door, excited to meet up, is not the smartest way to do this. it's dumb. and makes me mad at you. and add another check to your list of "stupid things" which is a running tab i have on everyone i know.

but you know what? this really wouldn't be a big deal if i just didn't have friends. maybe it's having watched a dexter marathon, but i'm starting to like the idea of being a loner. i like people, mind. i love being around them and meeting up, having some good ol' social fun but sometimes, the bad parts of being a social character really start to outweigh the good parts of it. i know i hold a high standard for people, but they're all standards that are fairly simple to meet. maybe the problem is that i hold standards for them but they don't hold them for themselves. so what if you ditch one meet up with a friend because you're kinda in the mood to watch tv or chill at home alone? i mean, besides the fact that you're falling lower and lower on my scale of people i deem "good humans," nothing.

but then again, maybe you should have let them know at the start of the day. not 30 minutes before you planned to meet. a meeting that we planned a week in advance.

if i didn't feel a horrible sense of guilt at cursing, i would probably inject one here.

brief rant. in a series of haiku.

the concept behind

a significant other

makes no sense to me.

so many people

are searching for someone else,

never satisfied.

i do not want one.

no relationships for me

because i'm happy.

or maybe that's just

something i say to myself

to justify it.

but please don't tell me

that i should find a good man

cause i never will.

i live in a world

where nothing is good for me,

nothing satisfies.

i live in a world

where i am good for nothing,

i can only try.

this rant is emo

but i don't really mind it.

refrigerator.

October 9th, 2010. Captain's log.

so i was browsing around fb, checking out random things that popped up on my wall and i realized something that's been bugging me.

i have no interests.

sure, there are a lot of "info" tidbits i've typed up in that convenient little box dedicated to the bits and pieces that're supposed to give you an idea of who i am, but those interests? they're just random things i dump in there to remind myself i like them. a few people i like, my favorite animal, things i like looking at when i'm at the park... really random things. but that's just it, they're just random things i don't obsess over, just things i find interesting to a degree. what i want, though, is to find an obsession.

my 4 years of college, that obsession was almost rugby. it started off mild my first year, i got really into it my second year, and by the time i was a junior, my feelings about it definitely lost their edge. it started to become "just something" i did and had been doing for so long, it never crossed my mind to stop. the same was tennis my 4 years in high school. all my interests start off tentative, go strong, and then die pretty quickly and i just can't seem to find that one thing that's been able to sustain my interest for long. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. a little sad, i guess, with a little chagrin and acceptance thrown in for flavor.

so why does this show up now? like i said, i was looking through fb and realized that a lot of people do have obsessions- things they do and have done since they were sentient, and will probably continue with no matter how crazy their lives become. and i don't have that.

yea, i'm jealous.

i'm a college graduate who's still trying to figure out this thing called life. it's like i wasted all 4 years with my head down, slamming it into every wall put in my way because i was so callow and obstinate, gritting my teeth, refusing to look up and adjust the strain on my neck because... because i couldn't? because i was too scared that if i did, i'd find another path and then where would i be? confused, stuck, unsure. i hate those feelings. i like knowing. i like plans. i like sticking to those things i assumed were presaged and set.

and i hate realizing that i was an idiot.

so here i am. confused, stuck, unsure and trying to figure out my entire life without actually committing to anything. you know, just in case it happens again. but i figure i'll start at square one. i'm looking to find an obsession, an addiction, a corner stone in my life where i can retreat to with total confidence.

i guess i'll start learning the harmonica.

musings

i realize that i have some very strange fears. they're not crippling or irrational, per se, just strange and i'm not sure if others feel the same way that i do. an example? food trucks. but not the food borne illness i'm sure will crop up at some point since they have yet to be regulated and don't have the grading system of cleanliness that other, stationary food places have (although yes, it does weird me out). no, me? i'm worried about the walls.

a lot of times, food trucks have side panels that they prop up, thus providing an area to shelter the person who's ordering as well as opening up the side of the truck for said orders, displaying other items such as menus and drinks too. my fear is that when i'm standing under one, the prop will shift and the side panel will come down and smack me in the face. i will become a truck and sue sandwich of pain. no one else has this fear? every time i stand under the metal awning, i get really twitchy and i always stand semi facing away from the truck so that if it does happen, i'll have at least a second to try and protect my head, either with my shoulder taking the brunt of the force or my hands somehow stopping the death trap from snapping shut by doing some major kung fu master zen lightning trick in which my reflexes grab the frame before it falls.

i don't think this is neurotic. i think it's a rational fear. just think about it. you're standing with your back facing toward and under a fairly heavy door, propped open by a thing piece of metal. no? not rational? shut up. it is.

another fear i have, after having discussed a bit about superpowers with stevie, and having now seen episode 1 of haven, is superpower failure. this fear is definitely irrational, particularly because i do not have any superpowers. i just really wish i did. but if i did, i would hate one that would really suck if it suddenly stopped working at a really inconvenient time. i mean, you know how in all these stories, powers suddenly show up, right? like, the person usually hasn't had the power since s/he was a baby and thus, grows up with it while learning how to control it like how a child learns to speak or walk. no, the power happens suddenly when the person is under some sort of stress or something and suddenly BAM! what was that? oh SNAP, i have powers!

so if it can turn on so suddenly... what's to stop it from turning off suddenly too? maybe it's not genetic, maybe it had to do with the weirdness of the environment (e.g. radiation, star alignment, etc.) so when the weirdness ends, wouldn't the powers end too? or maybe it is genetic and it kicked in at puberty or something, when you're body's changing but hey, at some point your body stops doing things it did naturally before (e.g. menopause, hair loss, etc.) so again, what if your powers are affected too? see what i mean?

so what's the fear? well, let's say you have a power like invisibility. what would happen if while you're invisible, the on switch suddenly turns off and you're stuck like that FOREVER? maybe that's what happened to the invisible man. or if you could travel through walls, and BOOM switched off mid way. now you've lost your leg and thank god you were already mostly through the wall before it turned off. if your head had been caught in there... well, now your brain is part of the atoms of the wall. isn't that freaky!?

which is why if i had a superpower, i would want one in which, if they did suddenly turn off, it'd be ok. like flight. or the ability to control weather. if i got stuck while flying, it really wouldn't be a problem. i could mingle with crowds and pretend to walk (but actually be levitating... i'd just have to be careful where it was muddy cause i wouldn't leave tracks) or if i controlled the weather and let's say it got turned off while i was making it rain. too bad for the people who live in the area cause the place just turned into a swamp and another weird wonder of the world, but meh. we have technology, i just move away and the end. the only power i would want and still be willing to risk failure at an inopportune moment that would suck would be the ability to control time. only because if i got stuck in some really weird time period, there would obviously be a reason why i was there in the first place so i probably wouldn't mind. but let's say the power stopped while i was in the middle of trying to get to another time period and my atoms were scattered through all the time between the first point where i left and the point where i was headed, thus ending my sentient life and essentially turning me into a lot of scattered carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and so on. or my atoms remained in tact, but i got stuck in another time period that i didn't want to be. if the latter, i'd probably still survive and be ok with it. if the former... see, i want this power so much, i don't think i'd mind.

but honestly? i don't have powers. so why am i worrying about the hazards of superpowers that i will never have? since this is an "in my dreams" kind of wish, why can't i just also make it so that in my imaginary world, powers don't fail and are unnecessary to fight crime cause everyone's awesome. also, i rule over the world and delicious food like strawberry cheesecake or garlic bread smothered in butter isn't bad for you, but actually helps my body get strong and fit so that i can ride my horse with wings in the champion races to honor me and totally win due to the awesomeness of my horse and my skills and not just because i rule the world with an iron yet benevolent fist.

i don't know why. like i said. my fears are really strange.