dream 2

dream last night again, this one was kind of sad...

someone else and i were helping amelia carry books from a library located on the 3rd floor to her car, parked in the basement parking lot. as we are ferrying books back and forth, i realize that eventually, i'm the only one doing all the work (amelia and the second person suddenly stop showing up, so it's what i assumed). as i was carrying another load of books, my phone goes off but i can't answer it cause my hands are tied. i drop off the books, and check my phone to find that stevie has sent me a HUGE text. it starts off:

"here's the key:
1. everything that's been completed since colors
2. things that have been going on are grey
3. (i forgot what this one was... had to do with another color though)

so every since 1, i've found out that
1. brad died due to complications with (some kind of) cancer surgery
2. (i don't remember the rest of the text message)"

anyway, the thing went on and on and on cause i scrolled through it really fast without reading. i remember that whatever point 2 was, it took 4 texts to read it, but i only remember the colors thing cause it didn't make sense even in my dream, and point 1 under that cause... wth? brad's dead? and it made me really really sad... and confused why that was just a little point, and wondering how stevie was doing with that news. unfortunately, i woke up at this point in a coughing fit because i am sick as a dog.

you know when the dentist injects novacaine in your mouth and then tells you not to talk but you do it anyway cause it's kind of funny? and then it wears off and you realize, you've been chewing on your own tongue for the last 30 minutes and everything in your mouth hurts?
that's what my mouth feels like, except, my gums are swollen and it hurts to swallow.

weird.

dream

had a dream last night. i was back at the rugby house, and assuming no one was home, i went down to the kitchen to grab some food. put some rice in the microwave and suddenly, had a craving for chicken. so for some reason, i grabbed a frozen chicken from the freezer and stuck it in the george forman grill thing we have. as it's cooking, i hear jess's voice from upstairs yelling "what is that smell? are you using some herb spiced marinade or something?" and i yell back "yea"

at this point, i am lying about the fact that i am cooking chicken and i'm frantic that no one knows, but i am still cooking said chicken. the rice is done and i pack them into these cupcake tins, the chicken is done and i toss it on the cupcake tined rice. as i'm trying to clean up the grill, kel comes downstairs and starts talking to me. i am adamant that they not know i am eating chicken and start coming up with lies in my head in case they ask. i decide that if they do, i'll tell them it's not chicken, it's seitan and they simply have no idea what it is...

then my dream skips and it's my wedding. yup, i'm apparently getting married and to who? not a clue. but i did have on a big white fluffy dress, and i don't know where my husband went, but apparently after the wedding, it was time for pictures! and wherever my wedding was at, it was freakin gorgeous: a beautiful and awe-inspiring old building, fireworks in the background and water up front. my dad starts snapping pictures of me as i'm walking along the edge, around the water. then my mom comes up with my aunts and others in tow, grabs my hand and starts running towards this boat and it's like cinderella's pumpkin carriage but on water. there are a couple of them, my dad and mom and i (along with a few others i don't see) get into one and as it drifts off into the water, there are tourists visiting the old building and the area waiting in line to either get in the building or ride one of these boats (i'm not sure) and they start applauding me.

it was an interesting dream, only because i assume i will probably never get married. oh, and i'm a flexitarian. why am i trying to not only hide the fact that i'm eating chicken, but... why am i trying to eat it in the first place? it was definitely not a sustainable and local chicken.

huh. i love that my weird dreams are back. hope for more!

new years eve

my dad just handed me a piece of cut apple. it had been washed.
i asked why he washed it, and he told me something... i didn't really get it
but i'm not going to eat the apple.

also, a few days ago, i was walking out of the post office when i saw a table had been set up
and there were posters of obama's face with a little hitler 'stache.
the guy manning said desk looks at me and goes: "obama's trying to kill you"
and i, in all my intelligent splendor respond: "that's ok..."
he looks at me, taken aback and says: "that's not ok! how is that ok?"
and looking at my car parked in the 30 minute slot with only a few minutes remaining,
i respond: "considering our nation's history, i'm used to it" smile awkwardly, and walk away.
yea... i'm not a very patriotic person although i want to be. i still think obama's pretty awesome.
even if he hasn't done really everything he's promised, but hey... who does?
give the guy some slack- he's trying to fix problems that are gonna take waaaay longer than he thought it would take... meh, but hindsight is 20/20 right? just gotta keep looking forward, even if you're doing it blindly.

happy new years eve everyone! even if i've been home all day, sleeping, eating and watching things on hulu and youtube for the past 11 hours...
wow, that is rather sad. i'd go out, of course, but where would i go? i don't really have friends... especially now on the west coast- everyone's growing and changing and forgetting about me...

bah. i am going to change the world; my current silly sufferings are trifling at best.

look out 2010. you've got a crap load of graduates flooding your world, and i'm one of them.
yea, that's right. be scared.

stuck in ithaca...

gaaaah! stupid jet blue. i hate hate hate you.
wanna go home. now!

rawr.

last days of fall semester

so i finished all my finals, and pretty much bombed the 2 that were actually worth anything. something is seriously wrong here... but the problem lies more in the fact that i tell people about how hard i work, but i think it's how hard i work relative to what i believe other people do. based on what i do, i'm coasting at best. i've got potential but potential doesn't mean squat unless it's put into motion, so yea.. i gotta get on that at some point right? right.

in other news, i've continued to practice the art of procrastination and have yet to start on this paper due today. go me!

i need someone to push me, give me a swift kick when i'm being a bum and push me even more. i'll call them a nag, annoying, a bother, etc. but really, my heart will do nothing more than totally engulf said person with love and gratitude. wanna be that person for me?

all my friends are leaving for home. i don't get to leave until the 20th cause of lab stuff, and i come back about 2 weeks prior to classes starting. will that get me motivated? probably not. i think i've been genetically created to be a really super lazy bum. honest. most people can only do absolutely nothing for so long before they have to go do something. me? naw, i can literally park myself in front of a computer and find nothing to do for hours on end, days, weeks, months.

except i've never tried it, cause i know if i go on that trail... it's going to be waaaay to hard to turn back. maybe that's why i'm overloading myself on credits all the time? i'm going to try and not do that next semester... limit myself, but i think i'm going to be joining another lab and i really want to do more volunteer work cause i'm going nuts without it... ah, who am i kidding? instead of trying to make promises i know i'll never keep, i should just accept myself for who i am and work around that instead. so i know i'm going to be overloading myself. so what do i need and what can i do?

let's see. i'm going to be taking 16 credits of classes. that's not bad, right? i mean, i'm also going to be in 3 labs, but i can fit those around my schedule. i also hope to do volunteer work with REACH again, and i want to volunteer with the suicide hotline here. and maybe at the rehab center? oh, and i really want to continue in the few clubs i'm in, and stay active in APO.

yea, i'm not really good at this. i'm going to go ahead and do everything. because i can.

LIFE IS GOOD!

fast

yea. so i broke my fast today.
4 days of fasting, and i couldn't finish... bah. i have no self control, i just got really really hungry and started craving thai food. so i ate rice noodles and rice krispies and tortilla chips. wtf.

i think it's cause i realized that i have no idea how my financial aid is gonna work out for my last year here. why is this happening!? just give me money for one more year! gah!

and i still haven't finished my application to the peace corps, partially started on my module 1 training, haven't called kaplan for the mcats, and just barely gave a thought to americorps.

i'm damn lazy. that has to change.

next week. i know, i know, i'm just pushing it off but i really want one week to just do NOTHING. and since i don't have work tomorrow or the weekend, i have time to do just that. nothing.

i swear, everything gets done though. starting next week... :)

day 1

so, i tried to fast for a few days. i don't think it's doing me any good... i'm trying to tell myself it's all spiritual but really, i don't know. all i feel is hungry :\

and i've been reading the bible but all i get is more questions. bah, whatever happened to blindly believing whatever your parents told you? do you remember that? when i was but a child, it didn't matter what science or the rest of the world said. if my parents told me i could touch the moon, then i could. there was no doubt in what they thought, only doubt that i'd be able to do it right then. but later, if and when i really wanted to... yea, i could do it.

now all i have is fear and doubt. i'm too frightened of my grades so i don't check them. i'm too frightened of not being able to succeed, so i don't try. i'm too frightened of being in a perpetual state of loneliness, so i refuse to be anything but friend and even then, i'm just super awkward and i don't like to make eye contact.

and i want to be a doctor? how'm i supposed to do that? ugh.
but you know what? whatever. i'm happy for the most part. i have friends and family to love, and i hope dearly that they love me. goodness knows i try my best. i think in all this trying though, i haven't been able to figure out who i am. i know i'm kind of a chameleon. i'm always moderating or agitating or subduing or whatever-ing myself to provide a balance around people. and i'm so awful at one on one, i don't know how to mediate that cause conversation and feelings only go in two directions. i'm so much more comfortable around just myself or 2+ cause then it doesn't really require me. all it requries is that i make sure everyone else is alright, and it's insanely easier than focusing on one person and how my actions are affecting that one person. that's hard.

it's day 3 of my fast, and i'm pretty sure i broke it but i'll forgive myself for that... if there's one thing i've learned the last few years of my life, it's that if i don't forgive myself for the failures i've accrued... well, then there's just no living with me cause i just get that much more annoying and awkward and awful... alliterations are always advantageous.