Thursday December 9th, 2010

it's 2 days until my birthday.

i want a stand mixer, a food processor, a silpat, a pastry brush and a candy thermometer.

i made hot chocolate today with a swiss miss packet... or something. i forgot the name of the company. anyway, it's just the individual packets without the box (because i feel like having the box around is just a waste of space. i'll use a packet, and then it'll be replaced by air. essentially, i have a box holding air for me. like i said, a waste of space). i was reading the packet, though, and realized that under the great "Swiss Miss" sign with the mountains on the background, it says "hot chocolate flavor."

hot chocolate flavor. flavor? what?

this had me thinking... does hot chocolate flavor indicate something? that there isn't actually chocolate in there, just little chocolate flavored powder. but not actual chocolate. of course, this made some sense because i assume chocolate flavored powder probably lasts longer than chocolate itself and melts much more quickly in hot water.

but i'm getting tired of eating chemicals. sure, it tastes just like the real thing but in the end, the problem is, it's not the real thing. just because my tongue has been tricked by the chemical poser flavors doesn't mean i'm going to be happy about it. like, if you gave me thin shards of glass covered in potato chip flavoring and i ate it, then it's nice that i thought it was a potato chip but you know what just happened? i freakin ate glass. i'm going to die.

the hot chocolate flavoring, of course, isn't as extreme. or else swiss miss wouldn't do really well in the cocoa flavored drink world, but i'm still not happy that i drank flavored powder when i wanted hot chocolate.

how do i solve this?

make my own hot chocolate. which i will do, with homemade marshmallows as well. i won't be drinking any of it (except once, as a trial run) but i will probably be giving it away for holiday gift giving so that'll be fun :) and it'll be real chocolate. i hope it's real. please don't eat glass.

NaNoWriMo ended, now what?

with NaNoWriMo now over and my story, although 50k+, still incomplete, will i ever be motivated to continue writing? one day. i'll have to pick up the story line again and do a ridiculous ton of editing, but i like the concept behind the story so i'll def have to get back to it.

in other news, nothing new from the PC yea :/ i really really really really hope i get in. if i don't, i can honestly say i don't know what else to do with my life at this moment... so i guess i'll work on some goals for 2011:

1. for december and january, review spanish (language and medical language)

2. remove all processed sugars (e.g. candy) and carbs (e.g. bread) from my diet, see how that works for my energy level and general fitness

3. volunteer somewhere. it's only going to be for a month or two, but i'm getting tired of not doing anything for the community i live in.

that's all for now.

NANOWRIMO EVE!

AHHHH! it's halloween! the day before nanowrimo commences and i'm SO EXCITED!

i think i had qualms about today, simply because i can't recall what i did on halloween before there was college. halloween was always spent with ruggers, partying and being belligerent, dressing up and flaming octopi and now... well, now i've found myself in a family neighborhood, where the latest anyone is ever out is about 9 and that's only because s/he is out for a night stroll before bed.

so, what does one do in this type of neighborhood? does one dress up? does one imbibe or pull pranks or let oneself devolve into the stereotypical frat boy or sorority slut?

the answer: no. dressing up is great, but it's kept PG. however, i have decided that instead, i will not be dressing up. my parents no longer wish to pass out candy to every child who rings the doorbell and will be going out to relax at a spa or sauna or something asian. i, on the other hand, will be home to pass out treats to the little ones.

i am excited, however, for midnight. until then, i'm going to be preparing my room for nanowrimo shutdown and spending most of the night watching random things on youtube while i pass out candy to children. and possibly some older kids who have rightfully decided that they are not too old to go door to door and are indulging in their youth. which i, if i had any friends, would probably also do. i think the idea of being "too old" to trick or treat is silly. i mean, come on. trick or treating itself is a silly thing and has very little resemblance of what the true meaning of halloween used to be. thus, it should just be an excuse for everyone to have fun, and there should never be an age limit on having fun.

actually, that just reminds me that i was scolded just yesterday for sending out an email asking 2 kids to reply. one of them is being a wench and just refusing to respond, and unfortunately my exasperation with her has leaked into feeling annoyed with the other one. the other one responded a while back (i.e. a month ago) but since then, hasn't so i got frustrated with her too. this is a note to myself if i ever read this: never ever EVER let your kindness be taken advantage of by people you don't know. i know i fall into this very often, and usually i don't see it coming cause it's just natural to want to help, but i should've seen the wench a mile away and shouldn't have let myself give her the benefit of the doubt. especially when there is basically no doubt that she is a horrid excuse for a person. ah well, i still wish her a happy life as long as it doesn't affect mine anymore and if years of going to church and thinking about God and His teachings has taught me anything, it's that i should always work hard to forgive others for their faults. he who has never sinned shall cast the first stone, right?

still, i'm working on it. she's the second person in my life that i have ever truly, passionately hated. i've forgiven the first person, i think. i mean, enough to be cordial if i ever met him. or at least to easily reign in my impulse to punch him in his face. the witch, on the other hand... every time i even think of her, i have this sudden image of pushing her down some stairs. and an extremely intense feeling of schadenfreude when i remember that she has gained what seems like 30 pounds in a year's time. it's just too bad that she delights in her buxom appearance and revels in it by wearing close to nothing at times. but being the eternal whore that she is, and her god awful voice whining about how much frat guys don't want to sleep with her because she's fat (a sentiment that seems to dawn on her whenever she is flat out wasted... which was roughly 3-4 days a week), and her course language, which seems to stem from her parents who spoil her... well, given a lot of things i hate about her, it's going to be some time before i ever really take more than a few steps in trying to extinguish the flames that have engulfed the bridge between us.

why was i writing about that again?

oh! right. because the one who i was growing frustrated with (not the evil witch of slutsville) sent me a response email scolding me for being childish and immature, and informing me that she expected a graduated student to act her age. which, though i understand it was intended to make me feel ashamed, made me laugh at the thought. clearly, a girl who has no idea who i am and who, herself, acts like a silly incapable child (as evidence by the fact that the reason for the email is that she has yet to pay her portion of the electric bill- a bill that was due roughly 5 months ago and one that i covered for her until she would be able to contact her parents to ask for money... seriously. 5 months ago. and i was the one to remind her for the last 2 months that she still needed to pay for it. if that's acting like an adult, i think someone is confused), is accusing me for not acting my age! HAH! that is simply nonsensical! i'm 22 years old, living with my parents and employed part time tutoring kids until i leave to join the peace corps for a 2 year commitment in south america. i am well aware that in many aspects, i have not grown up. but then again, i doubt i will ever really "mature" into an "adult." if i were a butterfly, i'm pretty sure i'd forever be stuck in the caterpillar stage. i don't want to grow up! who wants to do that? it's gross. growing up just means worry lines and gray hair. noooo thank you. i will forever be 12 at heart, and since we have yet to figure out the whole physically aging bit, i'll do everything i can to make sure my wrinkles come from laughing and before my head turns grey, i want it dyed in every shade of the rainbow. also, she can BITE ME.

youth is in someone's attitude, in someone's heart and smile. if growing old means not being able to take a joke and getting upset at every little thing that might cause embarrassment, then i'm glad she's already aged so much. but me? not going to happen. i will be a kid for as long as i possibly can, and when i can't... well, by then i hope to be on my deathbed.

so hurrah to halloween! hurrah to novel writing! and hurrah to new experiences! failure is imminent but i still can't wait.

note: i realize most of my writing in this is ranting, but it feels so freakin cathartic, i doubt i will ever be able to stop. my new drug has becoming blogging and it feels faaaaantastic.

famous people are scary

honestly. people who are well known/famous freak me out. it's really weird, like just the fact that i have never met someone and yet know them is enough to set me into fight or flight mode. i actually resent people for being famous and roaming the world like real people. there should be a place for them. think "zoo" but nicer, but still contained. how do i react around them!? is there some sort of protocol? because i am clearly unaware of what it is.

if it's someone that i actually really adore, everything is telling me "GO THROW YOURSELF AT THEM" but since that's not normal behavior for how people are supposed to interact with strangers (i.e. people i have never actually met or talked to in real life), i don't. but are they really strangers?!? gah! they don't fit into the happy little boxes i have stacked away in my social skills area.

i feel as though some people may actually hold on to that idea that it's not their fault they're so famous and still have to go to the store to buy groceries. because that's a lie. it IS their fault. why would anyone become an actor/actress if they didn't feel the need to be known? and what's this bs with actors/actresses who don't like being bothered when they're out and about by fans? they would be unemployed without those people. if i were famous, i'd be ridiculously grateful that anyone would be willing to acknowledge me for my role in BLAH because DEAR ACTORS AND ACTRESSES. YOU ARE BEING PAID TO PLAY MAKE BELIEVE. i don't consider that a real skill. i think everyone has played make believe at some point in his/her life but these people? they're getting paid major cash to do it AND the rest of us adore them for it. so seriously, you have to stop and chat with a person who gushes about how she loved you in BLAH and how wonderfully you portrayed the character of BLAH and would you mind being in a picture or signing a sheet of paper? no. you do not mind. you are an item for the masses. you are a creation of the public. bow down to your masters and sign the stupid sheet of paper! oh, you're in the middle of a meal at a restaurant with your family and you don't want to be disturbed? then pick a night that isn't crowded, or ask for a private room or deal with your public before the meal. i don't know, but deal with it and don't get all "oh my god, i just want to be normal and have dinner with my family out here in this public restaurant, why can't anyone just respect that?" you know what? most people probably will. most people will probably try to get a glimpse of you without staring intensely and whisper to their friends "oh my god, BLAH just walked in! do you see her!?" and the craziest, most intense of fans who can't contain his exploding joy of being in such close proximity with you might just stand up, apologize for disturbing your meal and gush "ohmygoshijustwantyoutoknowthatiloveyou" before walking excitedly away. DEAL WITH IT.

this rant has nothing to do with any experience i have ever had. anyone i have seen who is famous will never know that i exist and honestly, i don't even like the actor. i like the character they play. or i may love the actor, if i am obsessed enough about them, but i have yet to meet anyone who i am in love with... predominately because they're all in england.

so that rant is just something that's always bugged me because i really do believe that people whose lively hoods depend solely on whether or not the public masses like them should be grateful to those same people. like musicians, athletes, actors/actresses, government officials, etc. but i read these reports where these people actually abuse the public for bothering them or something. it's ridiculous and fame is one thing but when it gets to someone's head, i can't help but think how much better off the world would be with one less person in it.

also, famous people still scare me. i tried to take a picture once of someone rather famous at the airport. i freaked out instead because i was pretty much taking a picture of a stranger and i was really worried about that so i didn't.

still, if an actor i was absolutely head over heels in love with happened to walk across my path, i would probably squeal at a pitch so high, very young children and various species of animals would cower in pain. also, my head would explode and glitter/kittens/fireworks would erupt out of it. i would really hope this would grab the attention of my adoration, or all of that would have been in vain.

that's a joke. i do not periodically stuff my head with glitter/kittens/fireworks. although i am planning a trip to england at some point... maybe i should be prepared...

braindrizzling continues

things that are sad: an empty house (loneliness), revenge (the best revenge is living well), being too drunk to be afraid, real life monsters, needing a better word than "sorry", phrases meant to excuse your for lack of tact (e.g. "not to offend you or anything..." or "i'm just being honest"), feeling shame, the ugly duckling never realizing he's actually a swan (or realizing he is a swan but finding it didn't help solve any of his problems), not having a role model, unrequited love (it's a waste of time), last words at a funeral (e.g. confessions), a toy never played with, getting to a destination only to find you're not welcome, having regrets, playing an extra in the movie that is your life,

things that are happy: candy for breakfast, hugs, stickers, heart stolen and never even noticed, not being alone, realizing legal/illegal doesn't mean right/wrong,

concepts: thief, loner, sociopath (functioning), when violence is the answer, a criminal who isn't a criminal yet,

brainstorm

watching doctor who, thinking about enders game and thinking about writing something that has to do with space. and war.

note to myself: ashes and snow, aliens and fear, organizations and conspiracies, wars

loking at the books that i tend to read over and over again, most of them have to do with scifi or fantasy, include brawls/romance, and have strong, unlikely heroes (e.g. female knights, adolescent nerds, maladjusted children, generally "weak"). so i'd probably write a book pertaining to a lot of those.

reading back to some of my old things, i find that i am also very graphic in regards to many of my details. don't know if that's a good thing or not, but i guess we'll see!

also, i have done something to irritate the inner, upper left part of my gums. they're very sensitive and i'm trying to eat carrots, which is now proving painful. but it's carrots with hummus, so i'm going to keep eating...

anyway, back to the storm.

mystery? most books i have also exude feelings of mystery and the unknown, but i don't think i'm clever enough to think that far ahead, seeing as how i'm having trouble even starting. i might be able to incorporate something like it once i get my bearings and just start the damn process.

i have a feeling it's going to take me a day or two to get the first sentence typed. but once i get over that first hurdle, i feel like i could really get some momentum going! good thing i'm nice and unemployed this november. it's gonna free up so much time for writing! might even pass the 50,000 word mark but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

adventure stories. i'm thinking more 'lord of the rings' in the sense that there is a task that needs completing and my story can be about that journey.

or this could just be completely about something i've dreamed about having in real life but, of course, could never have because this world does not work the way i want it to.

note: gang. assassin.

you know what's kind of weird? how much assassin looks like "asian." one could also say there's a lot of ass in assassin, which doesn't have anything to do with asian so really, i'm just going off topic here.

maybe i'll write one of those "point of view" stories. you know? the ones where it's written in the point of view of someone who's really unlikely. like, what if i wrote a story in the point of view of a civilian living in a town with superheroes and supervillans? i don't think there'd be a lot to write about, but it would definitely be interesting. stevie mentioned the concept of having like a whole bunch of short stories so i wonder if i could try something like that too...

i have no idea. still in the thinking stage! once this brainstorm is filtered down into a braindrizzle and then a light brainfog, mayhaps i will be able to figure out what the heck i wanna write about.

also, my mouth hurts. damn you, delicious hummus and carrots. damn you.

plot thoughts

so i realized that when i tutor my kids about the SAT essay, i'm always saying "write about what you know and don't be vague about it." it's sort of my SAT essay mantra. but i just realized that i should really be following my own advice for nanowrimo. so what if it's not going to be good? so what if it's so awful, i may print it out just so i can burn it and video tape it to watch again later? i should write about what i know and i should write about it in extreme detail.

what do i know?

i know me.

yea, yea, it's a bit pretentious and narcissistic but what else do i know as well as i know me? but the thing is, even if i know me, i only know me when faced with certain situations. i have no idea how to put myself down on paper, so what i'm going to do is the next best thing. i'm going to lie through my teeth, about everything! i'll just take who i am, situations that i have been in and exaggerate all of it! i absolutely love lying. i don't do it often, because i find that when people believe me, it just makes my real life seem so trite and vapid in comparison... and i'm the one who gets vexed by it!

but on paper, who the hell cares? the main character is not going to be me. i mean, it's going to be me but as someone else who also has a lot of attributes that i wish i had. i'm going to use my friends, my adversaries, my loved ones and the ones who i dream about pushing down flights of stairs. of course, their real names will not be used, just in case (i doubt i'll ever let anyone read this, but i'd feel terrible for using the names of people i know... i don't really know why, i just know i will) and all the situations that have actually occurred will only serve as preliminary musings... the barebones ideas that i will use for the structure of my stories, but so embellished and stretched and skewed that perhaps no one else will know where it comes from.

that is the hope, of course. but i'm terrible at lying when i want someone to know the truth so i'll have to work on that. alas, i have a month to do it!

so the basic outline of the story will probably be about a girl. a girl who wants to prove herself but can't. a girl that people have this image of, but she knows she's different on the inside and can't admit it to some, can only really show it to a very few. a girl who lives in fear that those who know one side of her will meet those who know the other and the result will be disastrous. the idea of dark vs. light, good vs. evil, right vs. wrong and all the gray in between. the idea of transitions and what happens when dark becomes light, good becomes evil and right becomes wrong, what happens when those moments in her switch too quickly and she can't help herself, looses herself to it, gets lost in the gray and doesn't know who to turn to, can only trust herself.

and what happens when she finds someone who might be someone she can turn to. someone who is so different from all those around her. someone she might be able to trust, but can't help feeling too afraid to do it and building up even more walls faster than that person can break it down. and what happens when that person stops breaking them down, gets lost and tired, but she keeps building them because she doesn't realize it and when she finally does, she has more walls up than ever before, is caught in herself and unable to see everyone else because of all those damn walls.

what happens then? what happens when she's put into positions she has no idea how to confront? does she confront them? does she run? can she run?

i'm sure a lot of the stuff in between will also hold a lot of things that happened in the past to me, but won't end the way they did. nope, they'll be happy stories for me. they'll end the way i wished they would after it all happened. it'll be cathartic! and all those wonderful happy things that happened, those will immortalized on paper for me to read and recall and smile. i don't know if there were many of them, and perhaps more will appear in my thoughts to help outweigh my unhappy thoughts.

but i still think this novel will be my catharsis and maybe it'll help me free myself from those nagging, lingering feelings. that'll be nice.