Friday, May 16, 2014

well frackity frack, i'm up a pound...

It's been a couple of days on maintenance, and after all that clean eating and working out, on Sunday I discovered that my morning weigh in has resulted in a 2 lb gain. I went to the acupuncturist and after he did a body scan, concluded that I'd actually lost fat and gained muscle so I'm not too concerned. Besides, a few days later (i.e. this morning), I weighed myself and saw that I'd lost a lb of that 2 lb gain so I'm actually only up ONE pound and I'm really hoping that's muscle. 

I've been going to the gym and hitting the weights a little more heavily than usual, swapping out my usual 20 min pre and post workout cardio sessions. I still do my pre-cardio, actually, but I've tried a few classes that are offered at the gym- cycling (which I now very much enjoy) and boot camp with weights. I usually abhor classes that are crammed with people, which boot camp and classes like zumba tend to be. I am not comfortable being surrounded by so many people and generally enjoy working out in solitude. However, the cycle classes are pretty small (biggest class I've been in so far had less than 10 people in it) and the one boot camp class I did was fun, but I'll probably only participate if it just happens to coincide with my schedule. Too many people makes me feel... itchy. I don't know, like in my brain- a tugging anxiety and unreasonable annoyance at the existence of others. 

::Shrug::

But I tried the class anyway. I took this personality test thing online (personalysis, but the free version at http://www.tonyrobbins.com/disc-profile/ if you want to try it out) and it was kind of hilarious how accurate it is. Basically, I'm extremely people oriented and extroverted, like leadership positions and being acknowledged, enjoy structure and rules and prefer work settings that allow me to do my own thing, travel, and blah blah blah. It goes on to say some more things that are all pretty much true, but what it also did was remind me of my weaknesses- things I have to be aware of that could come around to bite me if I'm not careful. There are a few that I already knew, like I tend to trust people to do what they say and tend to go out of my way to help others without thinking about myself, but one that I didn't think about was that I also tend to shy away from things I don't have excessive information about (i.e. if I'm not in control, I won't do it).

This is something I do see often. If I feel out of my depth and uncomfortable due to lack of something or other, I'm pretty good at finding ways around it. 

So I've decided that along with my weight loss and detox, another thing I want to add into my life is to do more things that I know are really good for me, but freak me out and make me crazy anxious. Not in the bad way, mind. I'm not going to suddenly induce myself to have panic attacks by forcing myself to sit in shark infested waters or anything like that, but I want to put myself in more situations that make me uncomfortable but will make me a better person.

I know, some people are thinking- girl, you lived in a developing country for 2 years without total knowledge of the language and culture, without family and friends. You got a degree at a fancy university, leaving your parents for the first time in your life, and joined a sport you never played before, a TEAM sport on top of all of that even though you're a creature that craves solitude and distance. How much more uncomfortable can you get?

And honestly? Only some of those things were uncomfortable for me. By far, the most anxiety producing thing of all those things was joining rugby. Being around people made me twitch back in high school. Joining the tennis team was my first step in trying to become a better person- I made friends, grew into a more social creature, and started to become active. It would lead to a bigger drastic change- a sport that required me to not just play nice with others, but to have full contact with people, both aggressively (no problems there) and supportively (big jump out of my comfort zone). Once I got the hang of people hugging me, I kind of liked it (it only took like 4 years to get used to it...) 

Joining the Peace Corps after all that wasn't actually that difficult for me. I know, that's kind of a dick thing to say considering how hard it was for so many people to make that decision, to those who are now currently making that decision. But it just, wasn't. I had no concerns about the language, the culture, the people, even my things. Ok, I was a little worried about my things because I couldn't get a straight answer from anyone ("It Depends" became a recurring nightmare), but I was mostly just really excited and had no other expectations. 

You know why? Because that's stuff I was good at. Chatting up people, struggling academically with language, figuring out how to navigate around a place I didn't know, all of this didn't induce as much anxiety as it might have. Actually, figuring out combis was a little worrisome cause I was convinced I'd die each time I took one outside of my community, but it all worked out in the end. 

But what I realize is that the thing that freaks me out the most more than anything else is being unprepared. Walking into something without a clue, without the opportunity to do massive amounts of research and then have previous experience to compare it to, makes my heart skip 12 beats. I, for example, didn't think I could do the boot camp class because I've never taken an instructional course for anything fast paced before. I was confused during the thing, but it involved a lot of movements that I had done before with my trainer and my usual workouts so it wasn't so bad. I think zumba was give me a heart attack, because I have never taken a formal dance class (besides when my mom put me in tap dancing and ballet when I was so young, I barely have any memories of it).

So I've decided that I need to do more things that freak me out. Which is why, at my internship, I say yes to anything the boss asks me to do, even if I have no idea wtf he's talking about. I say yes, I nod exuberantly, I take a look at the data or file or whatever, and then I tell him I have no idea what he wants and he's going to have to explain it all to me step by step. Thank God boss man is a totally awesome teacher who's always willing to take a few minutes to explain things to me. 

I've now also decided that once I start school in August, I'm going to do one more thing that gives me a punched in the stomach feel just thinking about it. I'm going to take a capoeira class for the 2 years I am there. I want to be on my way to becoming a capoerista. If you don't know, capoeira is like a brazilian dance/martial art combo thing that looks amazing. I won't be able to do all the fancy shmancy high paced twists and flips and amazingness that I see on youtube and blogs for a long long while, but I'll be on my way! Mind, this freaks me out b/c again- it's dancing and I don't know dancing, I'm not at all a one-on-one kind of aggressor (definitely passive aggressive and damn good at it), and I can't do a solid pushup, let alone a handstand... all of these things and my fear of failure will be working against me, which is WHY I know I have to do this. 

Also, I would prefer it if you're reading this, to never ever bring up capoeria with me EVER until I actually join the class. I'm not kidding about being freaked out, and talking about it will make me more scared. I need to get to that point where my anxiety is balanced by my excited enthusiasm... right now, mind clawing anxiety is 97.6% of my decision, and the enthusiasm is about 2.0%. The remaining 0.4% is blank space and white noise... I'm pretty sure it's actually a visual representation of my anxiety that I don't want to categorize as anxiety cause 98% is too damn high. 

Alrighty, that's all for now! Oh, except today I had a craving for chocolate so I ate 1 Hershey's dark chocolate piece, 2 rolos, and 1 Easter Butterfinger egg. That's a lot of chocolate and it was heavenly cause they were all melting from the 95 degree heat today (at 7pm), but I probably won't be happy about it tomorrow. Whatever, it was yummers.

OK that's all for now for reals. I'm going to finish reading this book called "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg (very interesting read about powerful women leaders in the workplace) and then try to sleep! Nighty night, sweet dreams <3 div="">

Thursday, May 8, 2014

week 1 of maintenance is almost over and i've re-gained NOTHING! SUCCESS!!

A quick summary:
3 days pre-fast diet of fruits, veggies, fish, tofu, no seasonings or anything else
2 weeks of juice fast of only that detox fermented juice, diluted in water
2 weeks of post juice fast diet of fruits, veggies, fish, tofu, no seasonings or anything else

Last Sunday, I started reintroducing new things back into my diet. The foods I've put back into my body, with zero change in the scales are: cottage cheese, greek yogurt, baked korean sweet potatoes, and egg whites. These are all things I used to eat all the time (protein dense stuff that keeps me full and staves off hunger with an axe) and I'm crazy happy to have them back in my diet! Even more than that, I was really concerned because one night I was super hungry after working out (I just joined LA Fitness for the next 3 months, which I'm hoping will become a habit to go to every day!) and decided "ok, this is the night I introduce eggs back into my diet." So I went and boiled a whole bunch, and ate 4 egg whites before bed.

The next morning, I was up almost a pound and I thought... damn it! I can't eat egg whites?? That SUCKS. Except I had some more that day because... I like eggs. The next morning, I weighed myself and discovered that my weight had gone back to its lowest like nbd. I realized that eating right before bed does some funky stuff with my body's water retention. Once I figured that out, I realized that I really need to eat my last meal like at least 3-4 hours before I sleep and let my body process it all. So that's what I've been doing!

Now that it's summer time, though, this food thing is starting to get hard. My internship has been celebrating nurse week and has had some great food for cinco de mayo and today there was an outdoor grill with burgers and hot dogs and baked beans and this and that and I just wanted to shove everything in my mouth. I could smell the hot dogs grilling and feel drool pooling out of my mouth like a cartoon. Ridiculous. STILL I resisted, ate a slice of watermelon, grabbed another salad with some cottage cheese and walked away.

Except later I went to Costco and bought so many different fruits and veggies and protein sources like more greek yogurt and cottage cheese and string cheese and tilapia and eggs and I'm so excited to eat everything. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try my very first grains! I bought a giant bag of red and white quinoa at Costco that I'm really hoping my body loves and doesn't freak out and reject. Because I love quinoa. Please love me back, quinoa.

I also bought an oversized bag of almonds that I'm slowly going to munch on during snack time cause the massive amounts of cookies, kettle corn popcorn, bagel chips, and chocolates at the office are major temptations. So grains and nuts are coming back into play by the weekend!

Next week, I'm going to try popcorn, coconut and olive oil, and rice. The following week will be chocolate, alcohol, and oatmeal. The week after is hot sauce, sriracha, and bread. Then I will finally reach poultry, beef, and pork! I think I might throw in coffee and tea somewhere in there, but I want to keep as much salt and caffeine out of my system for as long as possible. These are all things I'm hoping to try again, but chances are I'll mix it up as things come. Plus, I'm probably going to add korean food in there sooner than later (like kimchi... man, I want some kimchi) but I'll play it all by ear.

I'm no longer going to the acupuncture place like every other day. Now, since it's maintenance, I only go once a week for just a few minutes. I'm not sure what's supposed to happen during this time, I think the acupuncturist wants to measure my weight, % body fat and muscle, and make sure I'm not regaining everything I've lost. I think he also plans on doing some acupuncture on my ears? From what I've heard, it's supposed to help me control my cravings for not so good for me food... but to be honest, I don't hold much faith in that. We'll see when the time comes, but I want a steak covered in bacon with a side of mashed buttery, roasted garlicy potatoes and cheesey bread with red wine or a beer. Followed by a cheesecake covered in coffee ice cream. That would be true happiness on a plate. I don't think some needles in my ear lobes are going to stop me from wanting that, but I do think I've proven my will power to be super strong so I'm not going to eat shity food, but that's because I won't allow myself.

Deny, deny, deny. I'm pretty sure something about that isn't healthy, mentally, but ah well... it's happening! Plus, once I figure out my gym going rhythm, I'm not going to want to do anything to mess up the work I've been putting in so it'll get easier. Right now, the gym is a disgusting festering mass of human bodies at 6pm. I hate working out when there are people around, so I'm going to try to get in the habit of either working out directly after my short days (when I generally finish around 1 or so, which I'm hoping is such an odd hour that no one will be at the gym) and at like 5am on my usual 9 to 5 days (I've never been to the gym that early, so we'll see if it's populated like post-zombie apocalypse or a community ready to pass around the bubonic plague... aka super empty or cramp packed).

Then again, I just tried a cycle class and really liked it. But I'm happy to cycle on my own too! I'm just tired of giant gym dudes hogging all the squat racks and bench presses :c Plus, I'm sorry but I can't lift like 300lbs off the ground so when you're done, could you take those giant weights off instead of making me do it? Rude.

We'll see how things go! None of my pants fit anymore, except a pair I stole from my mom and a pair of pants I bought upon returning to the U.S... black skinny jeans that currently fit like regular pants, but at least they stay up! My other formal pants, I have to donate (there is no saving them) and my jeans? I can slip them on and off without undoing the zipper or button. Ridic.

Shopping fun.

Ok, bed time now. Tomorrow, I start the morning with some eggs and quinoa, maybe throw in some cilantro and cheese? Mmmm... I love food.

CHAUFA!